Scream Above the Sounds
2021-06-24 17:06:07 (UTC)

On The Rocks

I never thought finishing my first year of university would invite on so much stress and discomfort during the holidays. Everything feels awkward, repetitive and honestly, I'm just tired. I don't really know where to start. It always takes a while to get the ball rolling before I can completely vent my frustrations. My sister has officially moved back home now, I think? The person she was living with for X amount of time has moved to London to become a GP so she's back with us, but it doesn't feel like it. There are many nights that she doesn't sleep here so I'm not sure where she goes, it's probably better that we don't know. The house occasionally smells of weed, much to the displeasure of me and my parents. I don't think we will ever be close to be honest, we haven't been since we were kids. I did get her a pizza the other day though when it was Dominos two-for-tuesdays. We went out for a meal last night, we'll often meet up with my parents best friends who are named Ken and Deanne; a lovely old couple who used to be our next door neighbours for many years. It's always good to see them, but my sister didn't come. My dad said she didn't come out of embarrassment and she didn't want to 'explain herself'. Ken and Deanne would likely remember my sister being incredibly bright, which she was, and still is. She did great in high school and made it to her final year of university before dropping out. Naturally they asked about her and my mum just papered over the cracks and said she was fine. I think my mum is pretty embarrassed for her. It's just so strange to me how our paths changed. She was the successful one and I was the guy bouncing from retail job to retail job and just...playing video games. Sitting down with them and listening to them say how they were proud of me, it didn't really hit home until after the meal. I guess everything is happening so fast and with covid, it doesn't really feel like things are moving, but they are. I should probably try and find a summer job if I can, just so I'm not moping around the house.

I helped a friend move house the day before too. He's going through a divorce but I guess it was somewhat amicable because they are friends, and she also helped. So yeah, he lives quite close to me again now which is nice but I doubt we'll really see each other much. He's more of a homebody than I am, and that really is saying something. So yeah, he's moved into a really small flat, but he'll be fine there. It was rough taking a washing machine and a fridgefreezer up two flights of stairs though. It was a long day, I'm genuinely still aching from it now. But at least it's done, I think they are both a lot happier. It's sad that it's come to this, but I think most relationships and certainly marriages are just built to fall these days; nobody goes the distance. Nobody wants to work on things and save them. The simpler solution is to call it a day. Sometimes it just doesn't work out though, or people simply aren't right for each other. Me and my ex weren't right for each other and that spanned almost 10 years, so I do get it.

Speaking of relationships, mine is in a difficult spot right now and has been for the last month or so. I guess l severely underestimated long distance and covid obviously hasn't helped the situation. I guess the long story short is, we're not going to see each other this year, and that sucks. We had a conversation about everything and I guess it freaked me out a bit. Like planning years down the line etc, I'm not really one for peering into the future or planning my life so it felt quite daunting talking about stuff like that. Maybe that' s just me though. Maybe I should be more open at the age of 30 to talk about where I'm going to be in 3-4 years time, because it makes sense to. I just guess my brain isn't wired like that. Either way, I don't really know what's happening at the minute. We still talk to each other every day but it just feels like a massive waiting game. Long distance invites a lot of pressure on and for the longest time, it didn't bother me. I think I'm more concerned for her in a way because I know how much it bothers her that we can't really do anything physically. We can't go out for food or watch a film together, you know? Stuff like that. The whole thing sucks and it feels very selfish to say 'We'll just do it next year'. I understand that she would have broken the whole thing off by now if she didn't feel invested or didn't want to do it anymoe, but it's just tough you know? It's a really tricky scenario and it's hard to talk about when we're in such an uncertain time. The rules are constantly getting changed here. Part of me thinks I'll be starting my second year of uni from studying at home. It just gives me a massive headache even thinking about the whole thing. Just hoping for better days.

I really need to get back into running and weights too. Illness knocked me out for the longest time and with that cough, it was impossible to get anything going consistently. I feel ready now though. My friend will be back in a few weeks, we're gonna meet up and have a drink so I may suggest some sort of fitness plan whilst he's back if he isn't too busy. He was working on the house before he went back to work though, so I imagine he has a lot to do. He also has a wedding to plan so I don't really wanna be a bother. He's always taken care of himself though and he does work out a bit, and he's one of my best friends so it's certainly good motivation to do it with a friend. My sleeping pattern also needs a look at. Waking up at 4pm seriously needs to stop.


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