Honesty is a trickier concept to act on that I initially thought. I don’t mean I actively lie and deceive others, but when it comes to telling and expressing everything… it’s easier said than done.
One of the reasons I write to myself is because putting certain words down on paper (or screen, whichever), the moment the words are produced, it makes it more real, more concrete, and I have a stronger sense of commitment to a certain decision or action. And yet, what happens when I say I decide something and feel fully aware and confident about it, only for something new to happen that tells me my emotions are deciding to act up and respond more immediately? Does that then mean that my previous decision is a lie? I’d still act on the decision and not the sudden emotion, but then is THAT being dishonest? This transition period of listening to and acknowledging my emotions is going to be tougher than I realised.
Am I being dishonest when I don’t tell someone how they make me feel, even if it’s just to save them a complication or simple awkwardness?
E and I had a surprisingly amazing phone call a few nights ago that ended up reaffirming our friendship in a way. Not only did I manage to allow myself to open up naturally, but he listened and understood and gave me just the right comfort and validation I needed. He gave me that reassurance that what I’m going through is real, a real struggle at that, and that I have every right to need to talk about it while asking for nothing more than a friendly shoulder. It’s the end of that conversation that I want to mention here though, when he told me about how all this time he’s been a slave to his emotions and feelings, allowing them to dictate all his actions and mental health. He said he wants to still feel all those emotions but also to be able to do whatever he wanted afterwards. Sympathetically, I told him I would want to do the same thing, except I was approaching the same goal from the other end of the spectrum. All this time I was simply suppressing my emotions and feelings, no matter how small and immediate. I haven’t been giving them enough acknowledgement, enough credit that they are in fact real, that they count, and that they can simply exist for their own sake.
It’s harder than I realised because some of this is against what I’ve been teaching myself so far, the life philosophy I’ve been trying to uphold. I also don’t want to be random, unstable, reckless, or out of control. I’d like to be reasonably spontaneous and honest. Similarly to what E said, I’d like to feel everything but still do what I think is right.
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