from my heart
2021-06-22 21:13:33 (UTC)

5 steps backwards

10:14 pm

i feel so annoyed right now. last monday, i went out to eat lunch with one of my coworkers because he asked me to eat out. i agreed and we went out to eat. it was just casual and awkward because im not that close to him. but i was still happy and a little excited because in the one year i have been working, i never really had any friends. they were just coworkers and it just felt nice that maybe i could befriend someone at work.

the coworker did kind of make me feel uncomfortable because hes a bit older than me and because he just acts weird... but i didnt really think much of it. well, on saturday he told one of my other coworkers about how we went out to eat and he said that the other coworker should join too next time. then he told my boss and things just got really weird from there. on sunday my boss told me not to hang out with him because its not good.

and now i feel like my bosses and her friends all know about this (for some reason its a big deal) and whenever they come up to me they mention the fact that i hung out with my coworker and tell me i shouldnt hang out with him. and i just feel so embarrassed about it. because i feel like they think that im into him or something when i am not.

i dont know how this got into such a big deal. i just simply thought that maybe i could make a friend and work and maybe i can put myself out there to socialize because i am kind of socially awkward and very shy.

what bothers me is that after my boss warned me about hanging out with him, i just noticed that maybe he has other intentions than just being friends. i just started to feel super uncomfortable around him after my boss told me. i started to think about small moments he would say something to me like how i smelled nice and i dont know if he was flirting with me or not.. and when we ate out i said that the waitress was so pretty and he paused and said that in a few years id be pretty like that too which made me feel kind of weird then too. then the most weird thing to me that brings me to my breaking point is that on sunday, he would put his hands behind my back or shoulders when i didnt see him and he would pass by me and say excuse me. and maybe i wouldnt think its a big deal if it happens once but it happened like 5 times. and i felt so uncomfortable each time. i just dont understand why he has to touch me. he can just say excuse me. and idk. i feel like he keeps trying to talk to me and i just feel very annoyed now and i try to avoid him.. its making me not want to go to work because i just feel so embarrassed and uncomfortable all at once. im not sure what to do. i feel like i did something wrong by hanging out with him and now my bosses are disappointed in me and he just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

i dont know if i should tell my boss how i feel about the coworker. its hard to even say he did anything because everything he does is so subtle so it can just seem like a friendly act. i dont want to tell because i dont want him to get mad or annoyed and i feel bad. ill probably stay silent for now.. and ill just see how things go. i dont like saying too much or sharing too much because im afraid ill regret saying something.

honestly, ive really been trying to have a better mindset and really been working on my self esteem and overall life but i feel so negative today. i started to feel worse when i came home from work and my mom told me she drank beer and she didnt even eat food. she used to always cook when my stepdad was here but she doesnt really anymore. she drinks a lot and smokes too. i am sad.