2021-06-21 00:01:28 (UTC)

This year.

The games are all done. It’s time that I changed my feet on the path. I have spent so much wasted time on you. I’ve kept my word and now it’s time to see how the future will be. Continue to take the credit for the things I do. Continue to let everyone see you as a pillar for what I’ve done for you. You can have all your time in the sun. I’ve always been so much better from the shadows and that’s where I’ve always found strength. You are not irreplaceable. Just remember that everything you do now will revisit you once more. The rule of three. I wish that upon you.

The hardest weekend of the year is upon me, and it opened my eyes. I’ve made it the whole way without a drop. I did have a moment of weakness where I almost gave into my demons. I managed though not to. I didn’t and now I’m still levelheaded enough to see clearly. My father always told me that if I went seeking revenge to dig two graves. Words that I shunned for many years. I really did. I knew deep down that he was right, but my rage always let me see only the path of revenge. It took many years to understand my rage and the things it pulled from me. I used to blame my rage on my drinking. That’s partially true. While yes, it allowed it to come out and play, it was still me. I used to hate my darkness. I wanted to be the light. Then after what happened in California, I learned to embrace my darkness as much as I strove for the light. My darkness is just as much me as the light. When I embraced that, I became whole. I don’t seek revenge anymore. Let Karma deal with that. I have other things. This having been Father’s Day and then on the heels of that the death of my father, I’ve felt everything this weekend. Even letting my darkness out for a time. Not for revenge though, instead wisdom. There’s some wisdom sitting in darkness for a time. While my father was the light for many, I’ve walked the shadows for so many years that they are as much me as the bits of light that escape.

There was even a time when I attempted to remain neutral but there are times when you have to pick a side. It’s been recently that I’ve found balance with both. Knowing when to pick my battles. I didn’t win the battles, but you didn’t win the war either. Instead, I lay my sword down and walked away. A new day with new boundaries. You continue to break those that are innocent in a quest to heal and yet you can’t face your demons to even heal from them or accept them. You choose to blame others for the hells that you find yourself in. Yes, we all have choices but sometimes you have to stop and learn from those around you. That’s what I do. I learn from those around me. I don’t always have to speak to do so.

You would most likely say that I was the first and think that I am the reason why. That’s not true. I’ve forgiven what you did but you haven’t forgiven me for my part. That’s all right. I forgave myself. What brought me to this? We spoke about something and instead of being grateful for the more recent things, you immediately went to the darkness. You went immediately to the hurt and the pain. You said that I dwell in the past, but you keep moving on. Which one of us again is living in the past? I look to the past to remember the lessons and find the ones I missed. You look there to gather more fuel for your fire. Which one of us is truly the worst off? I speak of my darkness because it is still a part of me. It’s a lesson. I may have not been at fault for most of it, but the truth is that I had to learn to heal from it all. Some I’m still healing from and others I will always be healing from. I try not to bleed on others though. They don’t deserve it. They weren’t a part of it, and I don’t judge them for it. That’s not my job in the universe.
We are not the same and I’ve started to enforce some new boundaries. I’ll remain in the shadows, but I’ve learned that eventually all the false walls that we build will come down. Even in darkness sometimes the light still shines. The truth will always show her face no matter how much darkness there is. While we are not the same, we will be sharing something. In that I can remain civil, but the truth now. It’s finally time. I tried to be what you expected of me, but you change the game midstream. I’m done with unspoken expectations and now it’s time for you to see those boundaries as the begin to be raised. Where would we be without each other? I will still be where I am and where I’m going. I don’t know if I could say the same about you.

This time around I don’t mourn my father. I celebrate how much like I am. How while I am the darkness to the light he always was, that I can still become that light in time. It isn’t over until we’re going into the ground and each day is another chance. While I gave you all that I promised, I’m still left empty. I have nothing to show for that. As my father would remind me, I can’t water a dead plant. I can’t fix something when I don’t know there’s a problem. I look like him and maybe it’s time to come around to thinking like he did. I have been getting my confidence back slowly. While I still have my shadows, there’s some light coming through. When I had nothing to offer you, it seemed like I meant very little. When I had more to offer, then I was something to you. I am grateful for my world as it is and those that are in it. Things change. People change. Not always for the better. Sometimes though it really is for the better. I like to think I’m getting better, learning, and changing as the days go by. I had a damn fine example. While I’m not fully there yet, I’ll get there because it’s not the destination. It’s the journey and those that go along with you. You don’t like where you are? Change the scenery. You still don’t like it? Change those around you. Still don’t like it? Then walk away from the ones that bleed on you while wondering where the cuts came from.

Daddy, I love you. It’s been eleven years and I still think about you every day and I wish that I could have learned what you were trying to tell me when you were still here. The kid can be slow at times but when I get, I really get it. I hope that you’re proud of me. I hope you know how much I miss you every day. I hope you know that I miss our conversations. I see your face staring back when I look in the mirror. I hope you know that I aspire to be light like you but I understand for every light there’s some darkness. I hope you understand why I embrace my darkness. One day we’ll see each other again and I will hope that I have made you proud. Even with my darkness. Not all dark things are evil. Not all light things are good. I don’t pick either. I adapt to what’s in front of me. I’m still guarded but the walls have come down. Oh, I’ve finally stopped being in love with love. Now I even guard against that as well. I’m no longer afraid of being alone. You were right. I’ve always had me. I just remember that more often now.

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