Broken Glass Park
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Waiting To Die
[Written June 14th, Monday]:
I think I've only been praying out of fear. The saying, "Don't worry, pray" - I get that praying is a way to manage worrying. However, when you are constantly praying over your worries, you are fixated on them. I need and want conversations with God, not constant prayer. Conversation is part of a relationship and I know that because it is God you are talking to that that conversation is still a form of prayer. I just don't want to be constantly blessing my food. It's tiring. I'm just worried all the time because my stomach is messed up all the time. And probably vice-versa on that, as well! Lol.
Constantly blessing other people because I don't actually help them in any other way. I do help others, though, here and there, but you can't help everyone. You can sort of pray for everyone if you literally say, "Bless everyone," in your prayer. I don't know, though -- it's exhausting.
It became exhausting reading The Bible every day, as well. Even though I wasn't even reading whole chapters. It's just heavy subject matter. It's heavy for me. Very overwhelming, emotionally.
[Written June 15th, Tuesday]:
I have hardly any concern over anything. It is both a good and a bad thing. I'm awake and asleep at the same time. I feel like I'm actually perfect, but not in the conventional sense. My own version of perfection. The stuff that happens - "good" or "bad" is just all flowing right by me. Yeah, life is passing me by, but what no one understands is that I very much already had a life. Because I won't kill myself, I just have to wait until I die, some day.