chae

from my heart
Ad 2:
2021-06-20 01:12:24 (UTC)

my mom

2:12 am

i have been having reoccurring dreams about the ocean or anything water related lately. one dream that i remember significantly is about my mom, sister and i being at the lake and dipping our feet into the shore, having a relaxing time. suddenly, a big wave crashes over our heads which frightens all of and we decide that we should just go home because it’s too dangerous at that lake. a wave crashes over our heads with each step we take forward which pulls us all back to where we originally were. my dream ends there and i wake up.

i remember searching up the meaning of the dream because it was scary and so weird to me. i read that it could mean that something bad could happen or that i am overwhelmed. i think i know what this dream means now though. a few days after the dream my stepdad moved out of our house and it felt like my mom, sister and i were all just going back to how things used to be. maybe that’s what my family is. maybe fate destined for family to be just my mom, sister and i. no dad.

its crazy because my last entry was a foreshadow of what would happen a week or so later. and i dont really miss my stepdad because i dont think about him to much to the point where it starts to hurt. i dont know if it’s unhealthy that i don’t allow myself to feel.

there’s a lot of feelings bottled up inside of me and i feel like if i allow myself to feel it all, i would end up being extremely confused and frustrated.

i hope to never become like my mom. there are so many traits that i hate about myself that my mom has too. i love my mom so much but at the same time she makes me so frustrated and angry. she’s a very negative person to be around. i remember her crying to me saying how she doesn’t know how to be happy.

my mom is a sad person to be around. she’s pitiful. she allows everyone to treat her like crap because she doesn’t love herself. she’s incompetent. she worries too much. she is always tired. she allows the worst in her life because she thinks that’s the only thing she could get. she’s lonely so she would prefer having something bad over nothing.

and i am so mad because i love her. because that is what she thinks of herself and she is negative like that. honestly i think she is everything i said above yet she has a lot of good traits to herself that she doesn’t see. like she is a great mom. she’s loving to my sister and i. she’s very beautiful. i am proud to call her my mom because she always has nice fashion and smell nice always.

she’s the person who taught me to love roses and appreciate the skies when it’s clear but also when it rains. she taught me to stop and look around at all the little things around me. there’s just so many good traits about her she doesn’t see and it makes me sad because i see it in her all the time.

i dont think my mom really believes in me. she always has something negative to say to everything good i have to say.

i just had to let this all out even if it may or may not make sense at all. tomorrow is father’s day.. i don’t remember celebrating father’s day. im going to be working tomorrow. 11 hours.

good night


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