Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2021-06-19 19:03:19 (UTC)

Endlessly Disappointing

[Written June 12th, Saturday]:
I'm trying to go with the flow and that's fairly easy to do, considering that I no longer care what happens because... I don't care about anything. So, I'm not actually afraid (any longer) of what will happen, my only concern is that I'm just going to blindly accept it all. I worry that I'll spend the rest of my life just watching things happen. I'm The Observer and while I don't mind being this way for a short time, say a few to several years, I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. My life is just like a movie I'm watching. If I want to make things happen, but I don't know what (yet), then I suppose just being an Observer is for the best for right now.

I'm also worried I'll start doing reckless things because I care so little about anything. I'm actually slowly getting more organized and taking care of myself. And I truly love myself, which... hasn't taken my depression away, as I think the world falsely tries to make you think. It's important to love yourself, surely, for it will make your relationships with others better. Or, if you're in my situation, completely alone, it makes it a lot easier. I still want to die... or find love, but now I can completely peacefully wait for either outcome. If I eventually find love again, I'll stop waiting for/wanting death. So, my point is that while I don't have happiness, I have peace.

That cliche of finding happiness within only seems to come from people who have family, friends and/or someone in their life, who... may often disappoint them? While you can't rely on anyone else for happiness or at the very least, shouldn't, is that the same thing as completely living without love, as I do???
I've stopped trying to make friends. "You've got to put yourself out there." Yeah -- just to be ignored. ๐Ÿ˜ž Here's where not relying on others for happiness, comes into play. Here's where I'm completely going with the flow. While I'm not actively trying to talk to people, I'm also not actively trying to avoid it. If someone wants to talk to me, I'm there to listen. If I still occasionally speak up (Which I do - Complete silence is too much suppression for me and puts me in a dark state of mind and makes me angry - an emotion I actively try to avoid), and get ignored (all too often โ˜น), I'm sad to the point of wanting to cry and my eyes get watery, but I quickly brush off the pain in this situation because I'm usually at work and can distract myself with... work! Lol.

So, if this is to happen outside of work? I'll probably get very angry and sad at the same time. Then, I have to show a little restraint. Then, I have to have grace, which I can certainly pray for. Start talking to God in my head and hopefully, get away from the person/situation as soon as possible!
I wonder if I've just been in denial of my anxiety. Suppressed it to the point of feeling completely numb nearly all the time. Because I just couldn't take it anymore? Even if suppressing my anxiety is all I'm doing, I don't know what else to do. ๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜ž
I think that much of my Social Anxiety is gone. I prefer being by myself because I'm an introvert. I really don't give a fuck what people think about me, but when I talk to people I'm awkward, probably just by habit. I'm confident in my awkwardness.
Apathy gives me a certain control - possibly the only control I can have in a life spun so out of control.
Earlier today I experienced real empathy. I think that's a good sign in one way... I'm still human and a decent human, despite all my numbness and apathy. However, I do need to be cautious. In my loneliness, I can't reach out to the wrong people. And I may just have to stay alone. I can go to work and other places without the Social Anxiety, but I have to be careful who I make friends with. Even if that means making no friends, the lack of Social Anxiety is a great achievement. This is sad, but it is a balance of sorts. A balance I've managed to achieve.
[June 13th, Sunday]:
It's possible that I push people away. At the same time, if they know my deal - Why I'm so sad all the time and how sad my life is and they just stop checking on me, I feel forgotten. I wish someone cared enough to just check on me once a week. I don't ask for much. This world is endlessly disappointing. โ˜นโ˜นโ˜น