Twin angels walk into a bar...
- For J -
It’s very possible that I’m so used to suppressing and hiding my feelings from others that it actually makes me forget I’m still so filled and overwhelmed by them. Like, I may genuinely be still swept by my emotions without me realising. Next thing I know, I’m expressing them indirectly, hurting others in the process. That shit is so not easy, let me tell you. It did lend a revelation or two, though; maybe by hiding my real feelings, I am in fact being dishonest, most of all with myself. And that can come across to how others see me, no matter how good I think my intentions are. In my head, there are many sentences that start with “the truth is…” but like every other person out there I’m always going to grapple with change and make mistakes. Sometimes my truths negate each other, oddly enough, and I want to do two opposing things at the same time, and a big reason for why I always feel so mentally exhausted is trying to align them instead of embracing that I may have conflicting emotions and desires. I’d like to kiss simply because feelings tell me to, without having to think of all the things that should come with the kiss—meaning, future, etc. But I also feel that if I succumb to that then there will be one more person who acts on impulse rather than reason, another person who abandons value for primal instinct. Am I thinking too highly of myself? Maybe, to a stranger. But I’m thinking of my family, the people who raised me, how different they are from others around us, how well-mannered, virtuous, learned, civilized, kind, and loving they are. And if I betray that, I worry a big part of me will just die, along with that legacy.
Thing is…. I really like him. J, I mean. I really, really do. I mean, it’s insane how on edge I always am, fearing and yet anticipating a disappearance. Maybe it’s self-actualising; by anticipating the result, I’m actually causing it. Trying to cut the emotional cords that make me sad when I don’t hear from him for the sake of not coming off as emotionally clingy and needy (and at least to ease the hurt when he has to go away again) has made me seem dishonest when I express desire and want in words. And that pushes him away. I had in fact started telling myself to be more open with others, with myself, not to suppress my anger so much and express myself in words if something is upsetting me. The same goes for the deeper emotions, of love and friendship. And… I think I’m just afraid. As cliché as that sounds, I think I’m just genuinely afraid to keep giving all I have for something so uncertain and in the beginning stages. J once asked me, “what’s the worst that can happen?” I thought that the worst that could happen was basically him disappearing once and for all. Let’s re-examine that, why don’t we. Besides losing his company (which I figured I genuinely want, badly), I’m afraid of repeating what happened with C. It’s not about losing time, it’s about revealing myself, thinking I’ve built so many things with a soulmate, only for them to bail when things don’t go their way or because their desired version of me isn’t real. I’m afraid of giving all I have and be rejected and/or to disappoint, to be made fun of, to be hurt.
Hey, wait. Who isn’t?
No, I’m… I’m downplaying my emotions again.
I know I’m not in that place with J. I don’t even feel like I know him well enough, even. I’m not in love with him but I feel like I easily can be. That’s partly what scares me as well. There was always something drawing me to him. I can so imagine him with me, beside me, talking, getting to know each other, lying in bed with the music on, making love… I genuinely want him to be that person, and I can see it in my head, I can see myself opening up to him completely and letting him in. But I guess… I don’t trust myself well enough to start expressing that desire. What’s stopping me, anyway?
Whoa. Maybe it’s best not to start that list.
If one actually thinks about it, I suppose it’s not that I’ll have anything tangible to lose. It simply involves an emotional risk. Not sure I’m ready to be so bold though, not yet. A part of me wants to, though.
How’s all that for contradictory?