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2021-06-19 01:45:55 (UTC)

New plan.

I chose a will to live. Some Reddit post legit listed a few reasons to actually try at life and one of them was some selfless outlook. I just get those ‘I love everything and everyone’ vibes from it so I chose it. Idk how to go through with it but I made the decision. Maybe it’ll matter tomorrow. Well today. Just later. I’m so bored of everything that I need some kind of motivation to pull me out of bed in the morning.

I know I’d totally be appreciating this break from school had I actually been in school right now. I only appreciate the things I want when I don’t have them. How unfortunate. Annoying.

I can’t sleep. Too boring. But I also can’t do anything. Too late. But even when the sun does come up, nothing changes. The same. I wonder what I was looking forward to for summer break anyway. I wish I was happy. Right now. Everyday. Then I could talk to everyone (read: my family) without being annoyed that they initiated any sort of interaction with me.

I just don’t know anymore. I can’t think straight and it’s probably supposed to matter but I don’t know. I don’t have anyone to straight up answer me and I’m sure I wouldn’t actually listen anyway. My neck hurts.

I wonder if I could pretend. Pretend to be happy. Fake it. I’ve always thought about faking it through life but then I’d need a reason. Why should I try anyway? Nobody actually cares. And I’m not selfless enough to be selfless in my actions. I can’t genuinely care about others like that, not to mention myself. Really, how do fakers fake.
What could even push you to keep up an act when it doesn’t really matter in the end?

Pretending to care when you don’t. Pretending to want to help when you could care less.
Pretending you enjoy or are actually wanting to listen to someone talk about their interests when you’re on the verge of simply walking away due to disinterest.
Pretending you’re okay with something when you want to run away and hide so you never have to talk to anyone again.
Pretending all of this actually matters to you when you just want to go to sleep.
How can I do it? What could possibly be a motive for me to go through such suffering?

Time to go ask the internet.

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