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2021-06-17 23:05:34 (UTC)

28 golden with specks of dust

Today I had a handsome and strong man carry out a duty that I was overwhelmed with. He is a superhero. The innate ability to organize and problem solve with materials on hand.. omygosh. Am I getting off on building? He is spool beautiful when his eyes are focused on his project and his eyelashes.. What a beautiful human being. Just being in his presence I feel all warm and fuzzy. If I felt home again, it's definitely in this man's presence.. feeling lost has no joy.. and being empty inside is so cold.. the only things that have kept me happy lately are dreaming of returning to my island in Japan and this man's warm touch and gentle smile.. and his adorable laugh 🤣! My best friend has been a very good distraction for me also. But I know she will leave one day and I'm training myself to be fine on my own. I just hope the kids don't suffer that much without her presence. I need to enroll my eldest into school so he doesn't feel lonely. He talks like a.. like a... I don't know but he talks nonstop!! It drives me over the edge! I'll suggest, "let's have some quiet time" and he asks me"but I can still talk, right?" Lol

Yesterday I was running around making sure I had everything I needed in order to pout the fence posts up for the gate I have been needing in order to feel secure. One time the lawn service dude just straight up drove under my chain! After I saw that, i admit I tried it like twice in the pouring rain.. But I felt totally vulnerable after that.

I got a new idea for building out my container structure. I can build out the second floor, and keep the first floor on the ground with rubber mats. About 55 bucks a mat. So no floors there, just gravel with the rubber mats and that can be the kitchen dining area.. then all the wood and such can be utilized for the second floor. How's that? I'm going to ask the neighbor about the idea.. to be honest I still don't know why I shouldn't just sell it all and leave. If I can build this structure out, maybe it will be a good time to pack it up, put a bow on it, and skidattle. I still feel so lost here.. and I feel like I'm twiddling my thumbs around this gorgeous man, he can have anyone he wants and there is no sane reason why he needs me. We must both be insane.

..my children enjoy his company. My eldest couldn't stop looking out the window for about 30 minutes checking for the white truck. And when I saw it, he looked and got sooo angry! "I didn't see it! Where is it! Why isn't he coming?" It was so funny 😄 and omg he made the baby stop crying on more than one occasion. Baby has been comfort suckling for a while now.. and I've been demoted to his on demand pacifier... with a side of milk. It was sooo funny the way this strong and handsome man was playing with my children. It makes me clench my thighs when inthink about it. He sucked on his thumb and played around with baby's fingers until he laughed and basically successfully got his "magic milk"! 😍😍😍

This Man is a DREAM.
What does he even see in me?

I shant think about it too much else I will overcomplicate my thoughts and get sucked into derogatory contemplation..
On another note, my friend has been so great to me. She has been here for an entire month now, and I have begun to feel the change in my thought process. I feel more like my old self again. She keeps commenting about how confident I was in middle and highschool when I used to breakdance with the guys and I had a flashy sense of style. But in my mind, I was always the wallflower. People would notice me, but no matter what I did, how I looked, or what I said, I never truly felt accepted. I oftentimes ended up grouping together with all the odds and ends of people that didn't feel like they fit in to other groups and I kinda felt like the glue that kept us all together in those times. It was nice. Maybe that's what Ohana feels like. I don't know why that thought occurred to me, but maybe it is.

Where is home to me now?

Only time will tell.

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