If I die today
poor problems and priorties
Last night same sorta deal melation iat about 830 awake btwn 4 and 5. Still some weird sinusy stuff going on but I guess its not weird if its normal . oh fun fact I tried to"gargle mouth wash and I cant gargle to well hmm IDk what if that means anything about my throat and espougus but I guess its here nor there I need a hobby other than picking at myself . could be some profit to flossing I'm unsure but I'm trying. I'm sorta confused and sad and frustrated and angry I got an invoice from my atty today says please send 500. So they bill me for every single dam email then sinc eI dont do all this elactronic shit it was a charge for them to print in and I came in for literally a mivute to sign it. Theres about 3 pages of stuff they did oh then theres the whole fact there basing this off my old case which they bought from the court. There a nother hearing in july still trying to serve him by mail. ISK if i Igave the funds for this bullsh!t I want a lot of things that cost money and I'm worried about a lot of things so orignally I was told this is a 6mon to one year process we astarted about with 1500 so thats in march so here we are I dont thingk I can afford 500$ 3 more times for this crap. All it says right now is please put 500 in trust so for today I got that but I want a few more clothes items. Arnt we moving/. my reg budge it for internet almost 100 IDK if I'm gonna have a larger bill this month bc we just moved here then I have my po box coming up then the dental loan and well food and I'm not sure what is gonna happen with ins and fod blah blah since well I'm living here now without rent as of right now not exspecting any money to drop from anywhere. I mostly want clothes and well I have to me what "special needs" so I'm picky on food and I'm gonna wanna drink thru this divorce. but wait isnt that what GOD's for? we walked to try to still get the dog comforabtl around traffic so one day we can make it to the park then we ran maybe 15min so total time including getting home from moment aout the door is 49min. Anyhow scattere brained. thinking about lunch dinner and so on. well I want ot be divorced so IDK how I'm gonna make this budget happen and I feel like crap that I need to exhaust all my funds before I become a begger. IDK if I'm strong enough for this. Sin has conquences so here I am . It just keeps going. i'm annoyed and trying to be the best I can for various reasons and am tempted to be bitter over all this. I'm greatful for nDea but I've been feeling insecure lately like I'm too much of a slob and that he probally regrets having me but I cant ask that bc I dont wanna know. i cant handle the truth or I wont bc even thou I'm ashamed I'm sure Id backfire if he said he regreted me. Ok before I close out divorce is priotry althou at a physcial cost it is a spirtual thing and thats what counts so I gotta do it somehow and I gotta build on the rock I cant sceme people thatll hurt my sould just as much plus people dont all deserve to be slammed with my sh!t I need to get it together and act normal and I still want to give something I want to be a giver with gifts that matter but maybe thats not what I'm for? Anyhow i'm greatful that I hvae a roof over my head and nDea will take me tonight to pay the bill I hvae the cash. Im glad I have clothes I'mnot running around naked. I got somethings I wanted and since the refunds came in I can manage this payment a little easier . side notes the dog may have fleas or maybe not he has an itch and nDea thought he saw a bug. IDK if 'im gonna buy the fitness streaming now or not its a tough call. I need to stop smoking bc its not doing my favors plus I'm sure its costing something with bad choices and who knows how this has affected my eating. Time for a change. I need to be strong enough, I dont know if I am I pray I am strong and can endure
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