Rain

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2021-06-16 22:53:17 (UTC)

22 pink

im overwhelmed with feelings of fuzziness and warmth inside my heart. tomorrow morning i get to meet the man i have been dreaming about for weeks. as i sit in front of the computer this late evening, i recall this morning when he told me he was reading my journal.. i was pink in the ears. i am so shy and embarrassed that i gave him the link to my journal.. but i think its a great healing connection for the both of us. when i was younger i was stuck in video game world. and one of my favorite games was Harvest moon. a story about a farmer who gave up the city life to farm and raise animals and one day have a family. so in this game, you would make efforts to court the opposite sex. and sometimes you would be able to read their diary and it would tell you how far along in the relationship you are with that character.

yeah.

new story of my life.

I have been researching about developmental disorders. when i was teaching in Japan i could see the way the childrens brains were developing. i was an english teacher at a handicapped school. learning about the children and teaching the children there helped me understand my own kids more. I recall a time where my childrens father would strongly suggest our eldest son to just sit there, doing nothing.. it was a sad scene. I could LITERALLY FEEL his neurons stop moving in his brain and i saw his eyes roll back in quiet despair. i made it a point to myself to stop that man at all times when he made any mental harm to his own children. after he left, my son told me "a long long time ago, papa hit me and then you saved me mama" and i almost cried when i heard that.

there are so many good memories with him.. but its all clouded over with gaslighting and womanizing and all these horrible things he did to me that maybe i dont even know yet. i pray to god that he will never harm another like this and that all the pain i suffered through has shown him what not to do to another human being. I am so happy to have moved on from that part of my life although I am also feeling very vulnerable and afraid.. my friend is staying here until the end of summer and then it might be a thing that my mother and her partner might move to this property. (a nerve wreck waiting to happen)

i still imagine myself sitting in Yakushima in the front yard playing with the dragonflies and gazing at Mocchomu mountain side.. what exactly am i doing here..?

i still feel so lost..


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