Gentleman ♀

I Hate Middle School
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2021-06-10 14:08:22 (UTC)

I Cant Handle When People Are Hurt

Hello,

As you might have gotten from the title, I'm not very good with emotions. At first I thought it was normal to be made uncomfortable from this shit and that movies always made it feel too normal... but then school happened, and from consoling homesick kids at camp to having a friend that looks like death warmed over, I realized its literally just me. Like in the first example we were at this camp where we slept in cabins and ate at a big cafeteria so we didn't go home for the entire week. As you'd expect there was that ONE kid who came even though they can barely handle sleepovers at the neighbor's house and I just so happened to get stuck right next to him on our hike. It's not like I had to stay next to him but I felt rude walking away from him while he's crying. So I just kinda awkwardly walked next to him for a few minutes then tried to ask what was wrong but he just kinda ignored me and I was like 'oh frick. Did he hear me? Should I ask again? What if he's ignoring me? Did I mess up already? No don't think like that just ask again, what should I sa-' then he finally answers "I wanna go home". And I just fricking freeze! My brain is going a million miles per hour yet I'm not going anywhere. Eventually, I just blurt out something like "hey, we're already halfway done so" blah blah blah something about us going home soon or just calling his parents. Once again he didn't respond so I guess that worked out. I thought 'oh well, he's probably overwhelmed or doesn't want to talk right now' and I was happy with that... UNTIL another- bigger- group of kids comes over and starts comforting him and I realize It's just me he doesn't want to talk to.

I don't know what the point of that story was honestly, I guess I was just trying to give an example or whatever. Either way, the reason I'm writing this is that my mom came home early from work sick today. I don't know if I'm just soulless but honestly, I couldn't care less. She always sick somehow, whether she has a stomach ache or a headache or her feet hurt, there's always something wrong. Every time she gets hurt in the slightest way she always thinks it could be something way worse. Like it's okay to be careful about that stuff but she's excessive about it, she slips and thinks she sprained her knee or she bops her head on the cabinet and thinks she got a concussion or she stubs her toe and thinks it's broken. Like honestly it's always something. And I feel bad, she has a lot of medical issues but I also can't really feel bad anymore since it's every day. Sometimes I want to just yell at her to shut up 'I couldn't care less about how you think you're getting sick, you say the same thing twice every week. I don't give a fuck about your headache and I'm not even close to sorry for stepping on your foot and "breaking your toe" or some shit. I stepped on your foot like a week ago and you seem to be walking fine so just shut up'! I feel like I'm being ungrateful and I am but there's only so much complaining I can take whether you have the right or not. Like today, I just can't handle HER telling ME how pale she looks and describing to me in detail how much she puked. I. DONT. GIVE. A, SHIT. ABOUT. YOUR. VOMITING. I could care less but not for the details. Plus she has no self-respect! Not in the way where she has no self-esteem or anything like that, she just doesn't care about privacy or personal stuff. She shits with the door open, changes with her door open, just farts all the time without warning and without even trying to be even slightly polite and makes unnecessary comments on how much she's pooped this week or how bloated she is. I CANT TELL YOU HOW MUCH I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! *deep breaths*... oughhhhhhhhhdshhshherojsjtnienhedc8hewfuenqn09ere0hkdooi

So ummmmmmm a third part to this entry, my worst fear aka badly hurting someone. Of all killer clowns and dark tight spaces, I'm afraid of hurting someone. I know real spooky but honestly what the hell do you do in that situation? Do you say you're sorry? There's no point, they're already pissed at you and that's not gunna fix anything. Or what if it were one of my friends, how do you tell their parents you accidentally dislocated their shoulder? "Ummmmm Mr. Rileys Dad, I think I accidentally broke your daughter's finger cause I was being too rough". How do you even look at them again? "Hey sorry for tripping you and spraining your ankle I hope we can hang out again soon". Just thinking about it stresses me out and I can barely think about it. Avery, my friend from school, did something to her knee. I think she sprained it or something. Anyways, we were doing homework together in pride and I realized my foot was slightly touching her leg. Forgetting about her knee I jokingly kicked her leg like twice or something, not hard obviously but still, and then she told me to stop and I was like fineeeeee but then I looked down and realized I was kicking her leg. And I just internally flipped out. I froze. I wanted to apologize and run away and scream and disappear all at the same time. So I just sat there probably looking mortified, thank god she was looking at her screen... I hope, I wasn't looking at her I was too mortified. Thankfully then the bell rang and she said I should probably go and grab my stuff. I mumbled something like "yeah that's a good idea" and practically stumbled out of the room and back to my class with just how stunned I was. I'm not kidding you my body goes into a fight, flight, or freeze response like there's some murder with a gun in front of me, it's not good. This entry is getting wayyyy too long so I guess I should end it here. Byeeeeeeeeeee!

~Gentleman


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