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2021-06-14 08:56:00 (UTC)


I kind of love it how things seem differently in the light.

You know, I don't actually feel any regret regarding my last entry. It was a necessary outburst for me, I think. Though, I don't feel better just yet and I for sure recognize the feeling of abandonment. I'm deeply hurt, incredibly hurt, but I think that's a good thing. It's good saying it at least. Saying it makes it real and that's the first step to work through it. I'm that much closer to admitting that I lost my best friend. The only confidant I had in the world is just gone now and I'm truly left on own. Other friends are incompetent when it comes to the emotional connection I need, the support, the availability, the understanding. People say things like "I'm here for you" or "whenever you need to vent I'm here to listen" but... they don't mean it the way I mean it. At least, they may interpret it differently and that's okay. It certainly wouldn't be healthy to replace my best friend. It's best to deal with the loss and regain my own lonesome before feeling attached again. Otherwise, I'd be needy and clingy without realizing, trying to fill a C shaped hole with someone different. And it's a very vast hole, let me tell you. The emptiness is too big to fill in three months. No one wants to hear it and no one will understand it but the damage is greater than anyone around me can see. It's all trapped in my head and heart.

I recently admitted a crush. He keeps slipping in and out, you could say. Talking intimately, then going away for a few days, only to come back with a more intimate conversation. I don't know how these things work but still, who am I kidding? I'm inviting this sort of behavior when I say it's fine and deny my need and vulnerability. I pretend I'm okay because I don't want to seem weak and needy. Except I am. In this point in my life, I really am. It's natural to feel good and emotional when someone shows you desire right after someone else showed you rejection. That's all it is though, short term validation, and that's not good enough.

I don't want to burden anyone AND I don't think anyone has stepped up. It's a combination of the two that makes me feel I can't reach out to anyone. I mentioned the abandonment to E but for the rest of our conversations he resolved to express his euphoria regarding his own love life rather than comprehend what I disclosed. My crush, like I said, isn't available, and there's no obligation to demand attention from him. DG offers to listen but his advice come across as overbearing and to a degree arrogant. He also has the tendency to make things about himself when he empathizes, or unconsciously belittles my own thought process. I try to talk to my mom about things but she's just distracted. Within a conversation I can just see the glaze in her eyes as she thinks about other things. I mention something that's supposed to be insightful, that's genuinely honest about my feelings, feelings she urges me to talk about, and the most I get is a nod before the topic switches to something else. And it hurts, it honestly does. Mostly because people seem to give me permission to open up but don't actually connect with me when I do. They encourage me to talk only to ignore what I say. I'd rather they ignored me from the beginning. It's betrayal for people like me. You can't just hold our hand to lead us to a trap like that. No wonder I'm pissed.

So what do I do with this anger and hurt? Besides here, I can't really open up about it. What's the right outlet? I considered going back to counseling, actually. Dr. N may be the only one who can listen to me. My writing is too affected by my emotions and mental state so it's best not to go down that rabbit hole just yet, at least not until I know it's safe to channel it all into story writing productively. Reading can be a good distraction. Work, as well, and I'm getting a lot of it. And I have my art, the more I focus on technique and structure, the less I think about subjectivity and my own feelings. But again... these are all distractions rather than outlets. I wonder if confronting them would help. Or to break something. Gosh, I'd love to break something. Or make noise, or.. start a riot. That's not me though. I'll have to keep brainstorming that one.

This has been... weird. But a relief. Thank you for your patience.