Echo

C'est La Vie
2021-06-13 16:18:36 (UTC)

Anxious

I feel fucking sick to my stomach about tomorrow. I have my sleep apnea test, and it could possibly be the key...or not.

I'm struggling pretty bad and my family isn't listening or caring. I can't take living like this anymore, and the doctors I see just shrug. They wanted to up my meds right? It did nothing except make it difficult for me to breathe and lower my blood pressure. The meds don't help. They just give me side effects.

Everything around me is changing, and I'm stuck. While everyone else's lives are starting, is my life ending? Am I doomed to a tragic end? Just to become a faded memory.

I'll never be enough like this, and it shows. It shows that loving me is completely conditional, even to my family.

Then Grant is leaving. To where I don't know yet, but he's gonna be gone. We won't see each other in person anymore, and then eventually he'll get established in his career, meet a girl, he'll get married etc etc. We will stop talking. It's becoming clearer over rather past few weeks he's putting the distance between us. He doesn't respond often, I'm usually left on read. I'm sure he cares about me to an extent, but not like how I care about him.

I always wondered what was wrong with me. Why does no one love me? Am I not enough.

I want to evaporate. I want to be amongst the skies, in the storms and as the stars.




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