It's funny... I've been doing well filtering my thoughts and emotions in my diary in general, starting to write an entry then deeming it too open and detailed for this website. And yet, here I am, at 00:42 typing this on my phone from bed, almost wallowing in feelings of annoyance, discomfort, and disappointment.
I'd hoped any mentioning of C will be over now that what was supposed to be our tenth anniversary passed. Today, I managed to acknowledge my anger. I managed to say those words in my head, "I'm so fucking angry with him for grooming me then abandoning me when he saw it didn't completely work." I hate that I still feel so fucking alone sometimes. It's almost as if loneliness isn't leading to sadness but anger. I'm angry over what C did. I'm angry that A can just disappear after making a kind gesture. Fuck being busy. I'm just inconsequential. I'm a mood swing.
It gets worse before it gets better and maybe this is me facing this head on.
I don't hate you but I need to say that I do. I want my fucking heart back, you prick. I want my twenties back. I want my romance and emotions and all that could have made me more free and feminine. I'm so ANGRY and disappointed in you. You coward.
Where are you anyway?
What a fucking waste of time