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2021-06-12 13:35:39 (UTC)

thin and be forgotten

"退屈しのぎ" by Kinoko Teikoku [Motion Pt. 1, says a youtube video—but the translation by google is "Boredom" so idk; someone else translated it as "Killing Time." Anyway, what follows is an English translation of the lyrics from jpopasia and the same ones can be found on lyrical nonsense; that said, all the translations are wildly different, this was just my favorite one. This is a beautiful shoegaze/dreampop song]

I listen to your breath,
Carrying words I can’t forgive,
And thoughts I can’t handle,
That will eventually thin,
And surely be forgotten.
But I’ll occasionally remember,
And ask you;
Is there really any deeper happiness,
Than hate itself?

A line extending from parallel,
Leaves a broken spirit,
Becoming customary,
And telling of days that can’t be erased

June 12, 2021 Saturday 1:49 PM

I feel strange today. No doubt it's because I didn't get a lot of sleep, but I can't help wondering again: am I getting depressed? My stomach burns—my thoughts feel fragmented, half-memory half-word and all-empty. Ugh. I'm settling into melodrama. Hypothetically speaking, a long drive is a calm drive. I like to be alone. But then, now when I remember, oftentimes I get itchy and full with thoughts in an unpleasant way pretty soon into the trip. It's better to be a passenger, I think.

Since I came home, I've been feeling sort of empty and quiet in myself. And I guess I am still not good at emotional permanence or whatever the actual term is—because, being anxious as I am, I can't remember much else. I know that yesterday I told Ash that I was very happy. Yesterday was a good day. My mom made rice and beans, I bleached my hair (badly, I need to fix some of it), I found my three-quarter sleeve Ben Franklin shirt (always reminds me of my days when I was obsessed with Buffy and 90s/2000s era fashion), practiced piano. So on, so on.

And I finished Sk8 the Infinity. Which is an OK show. I had a lot of fun watching it, but idk if I'm really there for how extra it was. I also realized partway through that there was actually a more traditional antagonist (which surprised me, because I didn't think a lot of sports animes had antagonists in that way; neither Haikyuu nor Yuuri on Ice do). But I didn't like him much, not just because he was cruel but also because it felt like he was being queercoded in the worst way. Like, they were emphasizing extremely flamboyant features in him, and framing them in a sort of creepy and disgusting way. I don't know if I like that—because it feels oddly traditional. The lip-licking villain.

I can't really say whether this is a trope, since I haven't seen enough animes with villains to say—it reminds me a little of that evil-seeming guy in Hunter x Hunter, but I never watched enough of that show to be able to say anything concrete about it. Whatever—I personally did not like the antagonist. I feel that this could be taken to be a consequence of my generation—political correctness, idk—I just noticed it, that's all.

Anyway, that's not really the point. Yesterday was a good day, I think. That or I was just acknowledging that it should've been a good day. Obviously, something about my saying "it's a good day," felt false to me. Of course it did, I remember thinking that, but it didn't really matter, because part of me believes that truth sources from an assertion sometimes instead of the other way around. Fake it until you make it. Words have power. Which is exactly why I don't always like saying what I believe is true—because saying it eliminates the other possibilities and nuances and simultaneities. To me. Even saying this right now, I don't like the way I've hardened it, manifested it out of a more nebulous existence.

I wanted Ash to think I was the type of person that enjoyed the little things. I've been doing that since I was 16, when Elise died and I wanted to be like her. The thing is, it actually did a lot to help ground me in the moment more. Noticing things like a beautiful sunset and letting it fill me up. Smelling the seasons and taking note. Weaving them into my thoughts.

So being able to say I am having a good day—that's a nice thing, and it's not a complete lie either, that the day's events made me feel good and content. It's just that saying it felt a little untrue if only because I was saying it to make it true. Ugh, I feel like this is confusing—I mean that if Ash starts developing a perception of me as finding joy in the little things, then I will be that type of person just a little more. And that way the idea of me being an angsty fuck will at least be a little diluted.

I'm overthinking. Obviously. I don't feel as anxious anymore now that I've started untangling the thoughts, though. Still not great but not too bad either. I hope I'm able to have another good day today, even if I can't really understand what that means. Or understand what anything means. I was thinking in the car that I don't really think things through all the time, and so I don't know why I'm doing any of what I do except that I want to see what happens when I take risks, I want to see what sort of person I can look like or be. If I can change like I want to.

If I'm quiet now. If that's a thing that I like. Didn't I want to be reserved? Lol.

Everything is weird. Am I having a post-college crisis? Idk what I want. I'm not doing anything. Ah, well. I think I'm done for now.

PS: (3:33 PM)


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