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2021-06-12 00:29:58 (UTC)


I’m disgusting. No context needed. I just am. Behaviorally. I am both disgusting and disgusted by myself. Absolutely revolting. Gross. Utterly gross. Like, I don’t even want to be me right now.

Anyway, I have to wake up and get out of bed tomorrow. But I no longer have a reason to. No school and nothing necessarily requiring me to leave my bed. This is also disgusting of me.
As soon as the bit of structure and obligation is off my back, I shamelessly return to lazy habits. I don’t want to be here because I have no right to say anything when I am the one that is acting like this.

Why am I like this and when will I change -or disappear-

Thoughts are so mean. And correct. But ruthlessness nonetheless. And useless. They mean nothing because they change nothing. Just like feelings. What is wrong with me.

Why. Why can’t I just do the right thing without having to think so hard to even find that solution. I’m tired. My eyes are tired*

All I need to do is wake up, get up, brush, wash, and…idk. I don’t even care. None of it sounds interesting anyway. Me being in a good mood is bad news altogether. Me being happy leads to me making decisions based on happy feelings rather than the guilt which results from such actions. So why should I even try to make things easier for myself again. True suffering (I’m obviously kidding pls do not perceive me as some-) in sadness (boredom*) is the only option that leads to a happy ending here. Duh.
Just watch tv. And play games. And read some stuff. Write some stuff. Listen to music. Stop thinking and maybe continue on like this. My eyes are tired, my phone is dying , all of that sounds boring, and unhappiness is my optimal state.