2021-06-11 17:01:47 (UTC)

Daddy issues and MD

I told my sibling yesterday that I've been a maladaptive daydreamer for 4 years. I feel so much regret that it almost feels like I'm choking on it. I don't know why I feel so much shame for something I can't control, seeing as it's more compulsive than deliberate. I just want to talk about with the people I care for, but my anxiety always gets in the way. I can't tell my parents. They're the reason for it, even! Or at least I think so. Maybe I shouldn't solely blame them, but rather a lot of things pushed together. I've read that I could MD because of trauma or something like that. It's hard to accept that my parents aren't exactly what I see them as.

It would make sense. Hell, I recognize that my household is pretty toxic. But isn't that normal? I can't decide. I'm told by my friends that it's not normal but idk if I believe them. I don't want to give up my dad.

He's been trying to be better. That's what mom says. However, she gave me a letter the other day that she was going to write to him. She wanted to know if it sounded too aggressive. It said in there "I went to ___ and ___ because I didn't want to go to the police. I did it to protect you." Addressed to my father of course. I've had it on my mind for a couple weeks now. What could it mean? Fuck did my dad hit her? He's never physically abused me. Sometimes I've worried about it- like that one time he screamed at me for sitting on the couch instead of cleaning. He raised his voice so much I started to shake. I even ran into my room and locked the door because I was afraid. I'm a 5'2 petite girl, there's no way in hell I can defend myself against him. The best I could get in is a good kick to the balls and tell on him to my mother. That'd probs be the worse punishment for him if I'm being honest.

All he's ever done is yell at us kids and make us feel trash. He hasn't done that in about a week and a half now. Or at least not to me.
Probably because mom threatened to divorce him if he didn't pull his sorry ass together.

I feel like...idk... I'm stressed, exhausted both mentally AND physically, and just sad. MD so mentally exhausts me by the end of the day I don't feel anything. It's like my mind is just saying "no" every time I do anything creative. I love to draw but the minute I sit down and try to channel my feelings, I can't. It doesn't make sense how I can walk around in circles for hours, listening to music and putting myself through emotional torture just to not be able to feel ANYTHING once I try to channel it into something else. It doesn't make sense.
I've been getting a lot of headaches too. Currently I have one but I'm not sure if its because I just MD'd for an hour straight or because I have to watch the kids again. Every day I have to watch these kids. I don't even like children, but since I'm "good with them" mom decided that I have to watch them every single day. When's the last time she took a day off besides Sunday? And on Sundays I'm always busy because I have to go to that damn church. I'm so sick of listening to religion.
I am proud and in awe of (respectful) religious people. I find them very inspiring and I love that they have enough faith to do that. But its not for me. The thought of god distresses me, because it just further reaffirms how worthless I am.

Do they think I don't know how I suck ass? I already know I'm not the nicest person. It hurts to know I'm not exactly the sweetest, but I'm not going to lie to myself. I'm not mean, just blunt and a little more forward than the average person. I have my nice moments.
I just portray them a little differently. Yes, I genuinely believe that I'm not really all the great. My worth isn't exactly the highest, but also there are millions of people on this earth. I'm no better than anyone else. But I've also got to understand that I'm not horrible, even if I feel that way.
Like for instance- I love animals! I want to foster them when I grow up. I want to study and become a therapist. I'm vegetarian, hopefully vegan in the future. Those are all (usually) good things.

I really need to stop being so hard on myself. I know that's one of the main reasons why my parents hurt me so much- because they've drilled in my head how much my effort=worth. They haven't directly told me that (dad has but not mom). But it certainly feels like I'm not good enough if I ever waste my time. It doesn't help I compulsively daydream. I can't control it anymore, so on average I waste 4-5 hours everyday daydreaming. That's a whole lot of disappointment.

I feel a bit better now after writing. Back on the grind now...