My authentic self in sobriety and life
2021-06-03 09:27:30 (UTC)

Sobriety, Growing Pains and Das Chica

I don't want to write in this diary right now which problem means I need to write in this diary right now.

It is 9:47 pm on Thursday June 10th, I am laying in my bed with my fingers on the keys of my laptop. Lotta shit has been going on and a lot has been good and some have been rough. Buckle up.

I'm all over the place this week, my song choices reflect that.
Songs of the week:
1) Living Facts - Arizona Zervas
2) Resume - Lil Tjay
3) Feeling This Bad Never Felt So Good - Tai Verdes
4) Unbothered - Lil Skies ft Lil Durk
5) Can't Buy Time - Chase Matthews
6) Peaches Likes You (Sandro Lux Mashup) (found on Soundcloud, only 12k views and it goes hard af tbh)
7) Wishing Well - Juice Wrld

For starters, my old roommate is spiraling and is going to die, or if he's lucky, wake up in a jail cell. I've been advised to stay away from him but he's literally going to die, if he wants help with the solution, I will help him get to the ER / Drug Detox / Rehab / Sober house. If I didn't step in and found he wound up dead, I would have been really disappointed with myself. I needed to try. The other night, he was overdosing and doing what us opiate addicts call the, "Death Rattle" where your body is gasping for air as you nod off to impending death of an opiate OD. I got him to the ER and got home at 10:30 pm because of it- 30 minutes past curfew. My house manager enforced the consequences of taking away my curfew for the next 7 days. I figured this was going to stir a resentment for me and my house manager, but I get it. The consequence of an hour off of curfew is minor to what they could have been. I could have relapsed with the guy I was helping...someone he owed money to could of rolled up and I could of gotten hurt. Arrested. Who knows. I hope my friend can make it back to the rooms and do the next right thing.

I filmed a Tik Tok video with my buddies over at another sober house a couple of nights ago, and showed up at 9:20 pm. Because my curfew is now 9 pm due to the, "punishment", he lowered it yet another hour lmao. Your boy is 26 years old, 6 ft 2 inches, 200 lbs, attending 4-6 AA meetings a week, meeting with sponsor weekly, building an amazing fellowship, going to the gym 5 times a week, has a job coaching youth sports...and his curfew is now 8 pm. I get home before the street lights turn on or the sunsets. I laugh but I am so freaking grateful. I am the type of person where when I get away with things, I take advantage of them. I stretch it. You give me an inch, you're gonna wish you never gave me shit. I'm sober now, I'm working on changing my behaviors, so I appreciate being held accountable. My house manager admitted to me that he holds me to a higher slandered, he wants to see me thrive in the future because he knows how capable I am. I appreciate these life lessons and for God everyday.

To touch on the Tik Tok videos- One of my videos I posted last week has over 9,000 likes and 70 something thousand plays. Going to try and use my creative energy to make some funny ass content. We filmed another one 2 nights ago that I posted on my instagram story and dozens and dozens of people hit me up saying how freaking funny it was. Unfortunately, I use profanity in it multiple times and that's not exactly a great way to have Tik Tok advertise it- I actually got a notice from them saying they will not be promoting it due to the language used in it. That's okay though- I know what plays to both my sense of humor, and now have a much better idea to get some plays with the Tik Tok Algorithm.

Today is the founding day of Alcoholics Anonymous, the day Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson sat down in 1935 and increased the number of AA members to 2. It is also my 97th day in sobriety. Although I am still in v early recovering, I am feeling quite strong. I've been praying at least twice a day, attending my meetings, and meeting with my sponsor weekly. I remember in active addiction, I would pray, pray to God to please let me achieve the strength and head space that I'm in now. I still have a lot to learn but today, I am grateful for so much. For my family, my friends, my living situation, this program. I remember the days when I was cold and hungry. Hopeless. Waiting to die. NOT TODAY BITCH. Strong like bull. I am working my recovery muscle and not letting complacency get the best of me.

Had a great sit down with my sponsor tonight that felt more like a therapy session for both of us. Lot of talk about our character defects and getting to the root of them. We share the "fear of abandonment" and "running from our problems" issues. Mine are much more emotional issues, where I don't address the problems or unhappiness I feel for life and I let them boil within me. The cap blows off when I can't suppress them. I would frustrated with myself because I wish I was better at fixing my life when I was in addiction. It wasn't until I put the drugs and alcohol down that I found some true relief. Working towards strengthening my relief efforts and getting to the bottom of some things.

Soooo00oo0o0o0o0 here we go. Das chica. We call her E. The early stages of the relationship with the the girl I've been talking to over the last month or so has been kicking up!!! It's heatin up in here baby. She's so sweet and so accepting, her intelligence and dedication to getting better is so attractive, not to mention she is truly beautiful. I honestly don't really know where she came from but I'm so grateful. We started off as friends, absolutely 0 expectations, I didn't really think we were going to be interested in each other romantically, not that it ever felt out of the question I guess, but we really didn't share any reservations and totally just learned a lot about each other. We hung out 3 or 4 times 1 on 1 before we ever kissed. If you know me, that's pretty unheard of. I try to be a gentleman in all of my affairs, but if I like you and we're hanging out and I sense that you're down, normally I just kinda go for the kill when I'm in single mode. This was different. I was kinda caught off guard at how well we got along, how well we meshed. It was intriguing to me how interesting she was. Depth. Layers. Authenticity. I craved to learn more and put the thought of pussy to the side. Although, to touch on it, we both like to have sex and feel as though it's important. She admitted to me after how pleasantly surprised she was by me in the bedroom haha. I'm a bit off a softy in conversation but if I'm fucking you, I can absolutely flip that switch. She's pretty good at doing her thing too, wink emojiiiiiiiii

You see, my ex from 2 relationships ago was a nympho. We fucked like crazy, dirty, rough shit. Whatever we wanted or craved from one another, it happened. We explored a lot. My following relationship that lasted for over 3 years, was entirely different. We still had a lot of sex- apart from my sudden drop in libido from my opiate use- and the sex was good, but I was not allowed to be rough at all, and for a good reason. She was a victim of sexual assault previously so anything rough was off limits and I totally respected that. This included the basics of no choking, no smacking, no vulger talk in her ear. So I adjusted, and I became just a very basic sexual partner. Our sex life suffered because I became less interested, and I reiterate, the opiates killed my sex drive. That part sucked more than anything. When your sex life sucks, your relationship probably will not have true longevity. It also doesn't help if you're not having nearly enough sex, and you're also addicted to heroin (hehehehe). We laugh, we laugh, purple devil emoji purple devil emoji ice cold emoji. Everything happens for a reason and I'm grateful for my past, who knows if I'd even be alive if I didn't experience some of the lows that I did.

I can no doubt about it see myself loving E. I'm experiencing a lot of feelings and genuine care for her and her well being. I want her to feel comfortable and taken care of, and to be there for her when she's not feeling those. I wasn't looking for a relationship but I think I just slipped into a perfect fit for who I am and my life style. I feel I compliment her well and have an understanding of what she deserves in a partner, which is a lot. Strong, stable, dependable, sweet, kind, loving, honest, name a few. We'll see how it goes boys and girls, still taking things slowish but feeling a lot. She's extremely self aware and owns it (w me at least). Everything about her vibe I want.

Goo0oo0o0o0oo0o night