Killing Lions
2021-06-10 22:23:27 (UTC)

Entertaining my inner dark thoughts

Today I was listening to the song: "Lily" by Alan Walker.

The lyrics are kind of sly and evil but I find myself drawn into it. It's about this girl Lily who all her life she is sheltered and doesn't really know what the real world is like. But she's curious and finds herself tempted to run away from all the safety and join some demon or being in the forest who knows something that she doesn't (maybe?).

This is the classic "Adam and Eve" story where there is this forbidden tree in the middle of the garden. Despite being specifically commanded not to touch the fruit, else she die, she is very much drawn to the fruit. A demon tells her that the fruit is actually empowering and it will open her eyes to a whole new world and new knowledges that she has no grasp of.

The desire to know more, to learn, to have her eyes opened to the true reality of the world is overwhelming and she ends up falling to the demon's wishes and picks and eats of the fruit.

This classic story I find very drawn to. There's something about betrayal that is so enticing. I guess the curious part was that I was surprised by myself. There's something inside me that deeply desires something that is forbidden and something I know I shouldn't do. It's not even about the actual thing, it's more about romanticizing the act of betrayal. It's about going against the status quo and falling into someone or something's evil control.

Why am I drawn to this?

It really doesn't make any sense. Perhaps it is a thirst for knowledge at any cost? Perhaps it's a desire for a new experience? Trust?

It's a very common theme in movies and books: Some innocent virgin girl who's eyes are closed off to the world, then something happens and a crazy reality hits her, at first she is in denial but then a voice tells her, come... come and explore this new world with me. Her first instinct is that this is very dangerous and that she shouldn't go. But her curiosity overtakes her and she follows down the path to discover some truth or new reality. This can be seen in superhero stories where the male protagonist usually reveals some powers to the girl. Or in repunzel... i can't spell, whatever the girl who puts her hair down... anyway... there's something interesting about this whole fantasy of a girl getting snatched away by some "street-smart" good-for-nothing man. But, here's another interesting thing, for a long time I always fantasized about being that guy, being the guy who "rescues this girl" and frees her to the world. I think by making it "forbidden" makes it more dramatic? So I guess in that story, I'm the demon? But this is interesting, have you ever thought about the story of Adam and Eve, I mean, really thought about it in detail. What if God was the demon keeping Eve trapped and the protagonist was the snake trying to free Eve from being blinded? It does say that both Adam and Eve's eyes were opened after they ate from the fruit.

Scary to think about these things. It's scary to let my mind wander to those places. As a Christian it's like, "yeah, well God created them so clearly He's the one they should trust". But of course, how do you really know that? What if God tricked them into thinking that He created them? How would you know?

I guess (trying to be rational here) this is rather illogical since there would be no point today in following the snake given what happened to Adam and Eve. Everyone knows how the story ends, Adam and Eve's eyes were opened and they immediately felt shame then because of what they did were driven out of the garden, and had to work in the hot sun to survive, eventually dying. So that idea falls apart pretty easily.

But I guess the fact that I felt drawn to betrayal and wanting to overwhelm and overpowering someone in that way surprised me. It just doesn't seem logical, but I feel it deep inside of me and I know that if I have a deep feeling for something generally there's a reason for that, the funny thing about gut feelings is that you cannot always rationalize them. I don't intend to make this sexual but the only thing I can think of that would remotely fit into an evolutionary framework is wanting to catch and rape someone -- that's literally the same fantasy above but definitely a horrible thing people generations and generations ago did. Again, I have to emphasize that this is all ridiculous since I obviously have no desire to do that. It's just that I'm trying to figure out why I'd have those impulses.

Perhaps it's just something less dark. What if it's just my ENTJ personality popping out and wanting to control someone. I will admit, I have desires to control people. I find it extremely satisfying to be able to lead, mentor and bring people together on a project.

"Just let me in"

*shivers* but I like it

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