The sun is going down. You seem to me to be everywhere and nowhere at the moment. Omnipresent but also absent. Reconciliation of that thought and subsequent emotion is easier said than done for me. Is that the case for you too? Or have you found some emotional escape hatch I don't know exists?
I want to talk to you. I want to walk with you. I want to discover with you. I want to talk and walk and discover with you ad infinitum.
Distraction at this time of the day, especially at this time of the day, is next to impossible.
You were here with me!!! I tell myself that all the time. At one point that was our shared reality. I was there with you!!! At one point that was our shared reality. And we are "here" together. At this point this is our shared reality.
It's just a kaleidoscope of memories, realizations, understandings, intuitions, experiences, and yearnings all wrapped into one big existential consciousness. I know I don't have to be there to feel you. I know you don't have to be here for you to feel me. I know all of this is frequency. But I still get lost in the thoughts and the hopes and the frustrations and the static noise of humanity. I have to get better with the energy fine-tuning. But until then, all I can do is blab away about my woes to this black canvas of silence and contradictions.
Why aren't we talking our way through all of this? Why are you being so stubborn, Xx? You don't always get to have your cake and eat it too, you know? You don't get to demand of me full disclosure and then hide away in a turtle shell when it suits you. That's not fair. And it is especially not fair when I allowed you many opportunities to say "more" than most would - when I allowed your altar ego to judge and demean me the way it did in our last conservation. I never deserved that, regardless of what circumstance may have presented to you otherwise. Shouldn't it matter if you won't let yourself talk through it? Either way you still have to feel your way through it, and for me time hasn't changed an iota of the emotions I feel about you or us or life. Has it really done that for you? Am I so completely off in my understanding of what we have shared and experienced together? Tell me I am wrong, please.
And then there is the side of me that just wants to hold you tightly and never let go. That side is more prevalent (has always been more prevalent). The side that just wants to love you through it all. I don't know why that energy is so strong with you, but it is. It's a force of fucking nature I have yet to fully comprehend. Maybe I am not supposed to. All I know is that I can't let go. Letting go just doesn't seem like a viable option.
Look up at your sky and tell me what you see. Look into your soul and tell me what you see. Look at me and tell me what you see. Can't we just strive to co -create a reality we can both live with and grow from? (This is me trying my best to validate you, btw.)