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2021-06-06 16:24:14 (UTC)

messy

I don't understand why it is so hard for me to just get up early.
I wake up early, stop my set of alarms meant to be persistent enough to get me off my bed, but ultimately, it fails and I end up just reading in bed until it's too late in the morning to actually do anything I planned in vain.

I wonder what it is that has me making that decision everytime. It's weird because I am aware that I'm ruining my day as I remain in bed but I just lie there.

I need to fix that.

On another note, my room I messy and I was thinking about cleaning it but that would just make me feel a bit more empty with a neat yet boring environment.
Besides, childhood memories are meant to be full of stuff like this right? I technically still count as a child anyway.

Sometimes, occasionally, quite often, I wonder what it would be like to have friend that were just like you. Or at least ones that understood you on a deeper level but I also think that kind of relationship requires you to put effort into having that understanding.

I know I'm not the type to be able to maintain a steady friendship like that, so I put it to the side.

I was reading up until a little bit ago. I was thinking about writing (just to see my handwriting) and that's the only reason I got up and saw the messy (according to my standards) state of my room.

Needless to say, I'll be returning to reading probably for the rest of the day, then fail at waking up early tomorrow again. Or maybe I won't. I feel like mindset definitely has something to do with my rate of success in this case but I don't feel like it.

I wish I felt like it. Reminds of that one Billie eilish song title it's something like 'I think, therefore I am' idk.

For some reason it just doesn't click that I can enjoy life while also pretending, cooperating, working, and slaving away to make sure I don't end up on the streets.

Would what I'm doing right now be considered living for myself? Does that make me some self-service prick or something. Whatever.

Maybe if I lived for others I'd be happier.
Unfortunately, I have no one to hand me the manual for that type of lifestyle so…tmrw will probably suck productivity-wise.

Good afternoon and goodnight.


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