littleangel

kool tears and dreamz
2021-06-06 19:31:36 (UTC)

ways to fall

Today was suposse to be a good day.
But with my dad is never a good day.
That's why I don't want to have vacations with my family bc he is going to be there.
He makes me feel worthless, calls me horrible names and points out my flaws even though he was never really there.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep bc I feel insecure about me and my skills.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going to die soon.
Of course, he apologizes after... but he does it again and again and again.
I don't understand adults or parents or gaslighters.
Is this the beahviour you want to pass to your kids?
It hurts to see we're a very disfunctional family.
A child needs a safe place, safe home and good parents with basic manners.
For fucks sake! I have a younger sibling... who's going through that rabbit hole.
She writes... dubious content... I'm worried.

He called us ungrateful brats who think parents are there to serve us.
Who only care about themselves...
Fuck off!
You don't know the things I do for our family, for my friends and, in the future, for my beloved.
I sacrifice things too... I'm not playing around in life... fucking idiot...

Does he know about the bullying, the abuse from some teachers, the sexual harassment in middle school?
Does he know that?
Does he?

Does he know why I take medication?
Why I'm like this?
Why I'm fucked up?

I bet he doesn't.
He was never there though...
How could I tell all these things to someone absent most of the times?
Someone who doesn't understand these things?
Someone who blames the victim?

Sure, I'm not a saint...
But I'm not the Devil either.
I'm human and I make mistakes.
I learn from you.

I'm not worthless.
I'm not dumb.
I'm not perfect.

I'm human.

And I will try to stand up... when you bring me down.
But don't push me too much or I'll break.

I hope one day you'll understand... sooner or later.




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