rainbird

Random ramblings
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2021-06-04 21:13:00 (UTC)

Thoughts

If you don't like to read negative, or what is also known as "bitchy posts" then don't read this and scroll on. And, since I don't want to burden any of my friends with my stuff, (even if I could talking to them is no option at the moment), then writing it is.
So with that said. I've been dealing with what I'd call bitter feelings off and on for a while. I either try to suppress them, or logically rationalize. But since a few days now that hasn't worked, and I'm afraid that will turn me into someone I'm not.
Or maybe I am? I don't even know anymore. I never considered myself the type of person to hold any anger or grudge towards anyone; was able to get over ugly stuff before. And so, I thought that was the rule for me and that it'd be the same with anyone so I didn't think much of it.
However, soon I realized this was not the case with everyone, particularly my parents.
I will admit I resent them for several things and my anger grows by the day.
The household has the rule of always obeying the parents. Don't question anything either, and whatever they say goes. I see the validity of the rule, but just like with all rules, if taken to the extreme that's an issue. And so, it has become an extreme issue here.
The control, and the toxic dynamics are so irritating it's almost impossible for me not to notice. (Sometimes I think awareness is a curse when you can't do anything about a situation. What's the point of noticing?)
How bad can it get, you might think. Well, . Opinions or feelings don't matter, you can't go outside without the parents, can't bring friends over, phone location at all times when not in the presence of the parent, family activities are done according to parent's wishes, you wear what they want, if they say you're favorite color is green then it better be green, no respect of boundaries, (how dare we have such a thing?) Just to name a few.
My mom is a very strong woman, I'll give her that and she's not unkind. She had a tough childhood, was neglected by her mother so had to raise herself and 6 other siblings, making it through poverty, getting a job on her own as soon as she could, along with a house later on, immigrating to a different country with her kid all on her own, getting on her feet all on her own, and all throughout working to support her family, all on her own. The circumstances and her self-reliant attitude have taken her far, by necessity. Not a bad thing per se, if it weren't for the fact, that, along with this, I think something else developed. The need to be in control of everything and everyone around her. Makes sense, maybe subconsciously she looks at it as well, she's been all on her own; the most important figures in her life have let her down so she trusts no one; and thanks to her hard work and dedication, her thoughts and ideas, her and her family have gone far. Maybe, perhaps, if things were left to someone else, aside from the fact that she's not used to it, maybe she thinks things won't turn out as well as she wants unless she does them according to her way, plus she wouldn't get betrayed. Again, if this is the case, which is what I thought of myself based on observation not necessarily 100 percent facts, then I logically understand. I understand the resiliency and I fully encourage resiliency.
With that said. The dynamics with her children I think are kind of unhealthy, well to me at leastthey are. I can't say anything, feel anything, or do anything she disagrees with because I'm wrong, dismissed, invalidated, called names, and to make matters worse, the situations always turn against me. In the household is all about what her and her husband want, need, and require. Everyone else's feelings and actions have to align to that.
And yeah I'm upset. I resent her bossy attitude. Right now, I'm partly living a life that is not my own. And obviously it's not all her fault. Yeah I'm resentful at her but also angry at myself for not having the resources to leave; even my personality makes my life difficult.
The therapist says it's good to speak out, (which I do and he validates that, thinks I'm doing a good thing,) but what's the point. We're going to get dismissed and invalidated anyways, as if one didn't say anything but with a few insults from the parent added along with, why, according to her, I'm the selfish, manipulated, ungrateful, unreasonable, person.
So maybe saying anything is more harmful than good. I don't know what to feel or think anymore, whether should even be thinking or feeling anything. Sometimes I wish I didn't.


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