Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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Ezoic
2021-06-03 21:53:20 (UTC)

Back At Zero For The Millionth Time

My new friend, plus old friends wanting to hang out again are causing me even more anxiety and depression. Either because it's endlessly frustrating how much people don't understand and/or people, simply, stress me out. I feel pressured to be someone they want me to be. I feel like I can't be myself. I'll listen to them talk about whatever, but... I don't want to talk about
myself or my life.

I obviously have social anxiety... However, certain people actually make me feel comfortable around them and like I can be myself. I'll actually want to talk to them and/or be around them. They have such a calming energy. I don't know what the difference is exactly between them and other people - it's one person I meet maybe every couple years or so. All I can think of, for a few of them is that they were Aquariuses. I know that's silly, but it is something a few of them had in common! I've only met one Aquarius in my life that I didn't really like. I swear, though, this sign from what I've seen, seem to be the best listeners and seem like they would make excellent therapists!
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When the old friends want to hang out again, we'll hang out again. Should be interesting. As for the new friend, if she starts getting frustrated at my lack of wanting to hang out and/or go to church with her, that's too bad and it's on her. I need to be able to say "No," and set limitations. If people can't understand that I've had over 2 years of poor sleep and need and want to get tons of rest and sleep to make up for that and start fixing that, that's too fucking bad!
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Someone suggested I should start exercising more. I agree, for my health, but these so-called endorphins, don't do shit for me. I'll be more awake and feel better physically, but I'll still be emotionally numb.


Maybe someone or something will break me out of this numbness some day, but for now, it's my reality. Thank God for it... I can't take much more pain, though it's there beneath the numbness. It's like a monster always lurking... ☹
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My check next Friday will be low because I called out today. I also left 3 hours early yesterday. I have to start over yet again, always at zero, always failing.

The simplest things are extremely difficult. People really, really, really don't understand. 😒😒😒


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