This is way worst than last night, my mother would only let me do therapy if it doesn't cost money, well goodnews my guilt has been diminished but badnews, those thoughts of no one really cares about me if I didn't do crybaby shit or attain to their needs therefore having no reason to live just got stronger and the lack of stimulation and money to fuel up any kind of new resources to keep me from getting stuck into the algorithm, welp i'm fucking trapped in this viscious cycle. I have cut ties with the only person, whom I potentially can be my best friend. I don't think he likes me depressed and no one really does but I can't be their saviour anymore. I've transformed into some infant who can only do is cry and wait for her mommy to bring her milk.
This night is unbearable, can't really dissociate anymore cause then would hallucinate that my father would visit me and then touch me in my places(my trauma) anything but that. Rather cry all night than to relive those memories. So I'm thinking of dying, again. come on guys and have your bet, would this pathetic lil crybaby actually do it ??? or this is all a call for attention, for attention and nothing more. Give it 7 days, If there is no one to save me then i'm gonna walk away from my home, go somewhere high up and go down. I'm basically doing an altruism for this whole world, my basic needs has been neglected and i'm feeling less and less human each day. Everything is so 1-dimensional and the only time I can hear my heart beat is whenever I get close to dying. I started cutting my wrist since there is more chance of me popping a vein there. No energy to even interact in the world, No desire to live and no one to help. There's no room for people like me, might as well save the humanity as evicting people like me, natural selection.