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This is starting to resemble a dark place of sorts, very much like the void you shout into but it's so dense and full of darkness that there isn't so much of an echo. Although that's not fair to say, one does get responses from time to time so there's still a reaction to one's not-so-futile action. It's always that same dreadful feeling of not belonging, isn't it? I mean, I know why. I'm not a loud person. I don't demand attention as such and it's an unspoken law that those who make more noise, shock, attract attention in general, get that attention every time. So it always seems that someone else owns wherever it is I'm standing. And yeah, yeah, I know... I just have to make noise as well, right? Ask for my share of attention, demand to have my presence acknowledged, and yada, yada, yada...
Here's the thing though. Lately I've been making a big deal out of being me. Not a narcissistic celebration of the self or anything, rather, taking back ownership of all the traits that make me who I am and I know help me grow but always received criticism from others. I decided that now is the time to stop tempering with those traits and to actualize them un-apologetically. Easier said than done. Though, it's not easy to be said either but, hey, I'm trying, aren't I?
I guess this continuous defensive attitude makes sense for now but it's a coping mechanism that shouldn't last too long. There's relief in the fact that I'm aware of it, at least. This is the building-the-walls-back-up stage. Construction on site. Entrance prohibited. For now. Truthfully though, I have much to be grateful for and much to distract me from my own emotions. Tutoring sessions are flooding in that I'm actually satisfied with how much money I've been making. That along with Europe getting over the pandemic, going to the UK in October is no longer wishful thinking but a goal. And as a result of D posting one of my pet portraits in her Instagram stories, her friends have been asking for commissions--paid ones. I sold one last Monday and will be working on two more this weekend. Hopefully there's a third on the way. I WILL be going to that Pixies concert in July and a Pink Floyd tribute act in September. Two things I'm VERY MUCH looking forward to. The rest is improv, I suppose. There are also projects and creative thoughts and endeavors I could expand on but I made up a rule a long time ago not to disclose so much of that here.
This is all there is for now. I have been thinking about certain specific men in my life until I decided that that's not worth such contemplation. Meaning that I'm better off not trying to interpret every move or sentence or even silence. I can tell when I'm not a priority so sharing my own treasure has become other people's privilege rather than my own conditioning to be extroverted. I know there may be sinful pride in that statement but it's more about reserving what I give. Rather than giving because I was taught I had to in order to win people, I'm saving my energies for those who actually ask for it or deserve it. It's only self-preserving, isn't it?
Anyhoo, back to work.