Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2021-06-03 04:50:19 (UTC)

🎵"Shake it off, Let it go, I Don't Care Anymore, Just Go...

Numb."🎶

All I have learned in the 2 years since my husband died is how to go almost completely numb to everything. I say 'almost' because I'm only human. This is sad. I can recognize that it is sad, though it is the only solution I've found. I don't worry, I don't stress... I get slightly frustrated at things here and there, but... I truly don't care about anything. I have diversions, distractions, things I enjoy, but this is all they are. I get obsessions that I try to get over, but as soon as I get over one, there is another one to replace it.

I haven't really figured out how to do the smallest of things that everyone seems to take for granted. Ive struggled with this my whole life. I bet if my husband were here I'd have the peace I need to just... get things done and sleep enough and well.

As it stands, as unhealthy as my sleeping habits are... the overtiredness keeps me emotionally numb. When I'm wide awake... I can't handle the bullshit I see and hear all around me.

Until someone makes me want to wake up, to get enthusiastic over things (though, I do over certain interests of mine), to come out of my shell, I guess (that sounds cliche), I may just stay this way. I may develop health problems... And I'm only talking physical... Mentally, I'm as stable as anyone could be in my situation/circumstances. How do I know? I'm calm all the time. Even if I get angry and frustrated... I quietly and calmly express those feelings. I see most things objectively. I'm pretty rational. I have many problems, I recognize that. The only one really bothering me, though is my poor sleep. That's because of a lack of peace from grief, sadness and pain. I don't know how to solve this problem yet. I'm in the process (slow, though it may be!) of solving pretty much all of my other problems, though!


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