Gentleman ♀

Minimal Self Harm and Intrusive Thoughts

Heyyyyyyyyy,

I'm bored and I feel like complaining so imma complain about the only thing I haven't complained about yet... Myself...? Nvm I complain about myself a lot but now I'm gonna specify cause why the hell not? Soooooo self-harm... as I said in the title it's minimal, I don't do anything bad or bloody... just minimal. When I'm in the shower I like to put the showerhead right up to my chest and turn the water so hot I can't take it and I like to see how long I can hold it there. Like I said it's nothing but I still do it to hurt myself so I think it counts. I also like to cut myself on the knuckles with our razors. The cuts are no joke like 1/15 an inch long but once again it's still not good (okay so this is an edit from later in the week... It kinda escalated to inch-long cuts on my shoulders and thighs but they're more like cat scratches than actual cuts so I think I'll survive). The most drastic thing I do is something I don't even mean to do half the time. *drumroll* I pick at my face. I know truly horrific and just unbelievable. But honestly, though It's just annoying and ugly and it doesn't help that it's all my mom talks to me about. She'll call me to help her with something and as soon as she sees my face she goes "I see you've been picking" or "don't pick at your face" before she even says hello to me! I get mad about it and walk away, then she gets mad and forces me to come back, then I tell her how I feel like it's all she sees of me, then she gets all sappy like an emotional drunk or something and tells me how sorry she is and hugs me and shit. I tell her that if she's really sorry then she'll stop but she says she needs to remind me not to do it so that I don't but I don't understand how it helps me if I wasn't doing it in the first place. It's like waking someone up to tell them to fall asleep. It just defeats the point entirely! If I forgot about it then you remind me, then it's gonna stress me out and my subconscious will be reminded that picking is a stress reliever and it's just counterproductive honestly. She tries all this stuff and gets me tons of stress relievers and books and this Facebook group and I appreciate it all cause it gets expensive but honestly, I just wish it would stop. I don't want her to remind me, I don't want to see a counselor, I don't want any medications or special bracelets, I just want to stop. But whatever I already got sappy Jesus what am I gonna do with myself...

Another thing is intrusive thoughts... my favorite -_-. I don't know how people deal with them their annoying yet so small. I can't tell if I'm overreacting or underreacting. It's just a thought of how bad could it be but then again the thoughts are so bad they kind of scare me. I think the first and probably one of the strongest and worst intrusive thoughts I've had is breaking something's bones. I can remember being about eight and holding my grandma's dog's leg in my hands thinking of how easy it would be to just snap its leg in half like a twig. I remember really wanting to do it for some reason I couldn't remember. I love my grandmas' dogs and would never do anything to hurt them and yet I was honestly contemplating breaking the poor dog's leg. Another one I think of frequently is when I steal lighters from my parents and I wonder what would happen if I melted my fingernail off or how soft fire would feel. If you forget the heat and pain it kind of looks like a tuft of bright yellow fur and I just want to put it up to my finger. I would never actually set myself on fire but it kind of scares me how a week or two ago I burned my finger by shoving it in a flame. I don't know what I was doing I just went to touch the pretty flame then boom I was pulling my finger away from the painful heat. The burn wasn't even visible but it still hurt to touch anything with my pointer finger for like a week after. Another thing I sometimes think about is poisoning my family or myself. I was cleaning the bathroom and using Fabreeze I so badly just wanted to spray it into my mouth till I couldn't handle the taste anymore or just drench my families toothbrushes with it. I would never ever do it but the thought was there. Fun... I've gotta go to sleep now gn -_-

~Gentleman