rainbird

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2021-05-31 12:37:00 (UTC)

The Dating Game

For the past 4 days, and ongoing, I have by circumstance, been contemplating and just lost in thought.
So I have always known the dating pool was significantly reduced for me. In high school while all my friends dated or were courted by guys I wasn't. I soon learned that I am not deemed a choice for most men and I was ok with that back then, and still am in a sense. I spent the little free time doing homework or reading. Books have always been a mental escape in a sense.
After high school, as one matured and got wisdom, I realized perhaps I am not good at the dating game and to be honest, I don't agree with it either. You know, the act of potentially meeting someone you're interested in and flirting with them, trying to impress them as much as you can so they like you. Then after that I guess either things work or they don't. When things work, during the duration of the relationship some people hook up, have sex, and who knows what else. If the relationship doesn't work or when it's over, on to the next one.
I found for me, this kind of style is heart breaking. I don't know the act of having sex with someone and things not working out is so gross to me. (Aside from religious convictions), why would I share my body with a stranger, then potentially be strangers again? Sexual desires are not worth it. I don't think so.
I learned the people I formed connections with were mainly through conversation and shared interests. Perhaps my mistake, if we'd call it that, is I never flirted. I never pretended to be someone I'm not. I never tried to deliberately attract a man with beauty charms like most women do.
And as a result as you can imagine, my suitors were few. The few I've had so far were mostly great men, but Things didn't work for whatever reason, mainly due to things neither of us could control. To top it all off, the last relationship was so traumatizing in a sense that I'm extra cautious and it's hard to let people in. After hearing, with their own words, that the person that's supposed to love you wants to control you according to their own desires, and that they don't want you with your independence and freedom as an individual, yeah lots of things change. But at least they were honest I'll have to give them that.
And so here I am. In my mid 20s, with all my cousins and friends married. Trying to be ok with the fact that maybe, just maybe, part of it through choice, I might be single. there's a lot of appealing things about this mainly that I can do as I wish without worrying about unintentionally hurting someone with my actions. No heartbreak either; I love that the most because unlike some people it's not easy for me to get over someone. It's like grieving in a sense and that after a while gets so exhausting. It's when it gets lonely such as times like these, when you'd like to share your most precious moments with someone or need affection that things get difficult. But definitely doable.


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