👁️ Bandersnatch 👁️

Through the Looking-Glass
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2021-05-31 12:10:44 (UTC)

Dibble on his knees

Oh dear god, you couldn't even imagine up this shit, and yet it is very real and present in my world.

I am constantly reflecting on my behaviour, the way I think, how I interact. It has always been a part of who I am, but it is not to reach perfection - god no, I am far from that, as is everybody else on this planet. Instead, I want to improve my way of living, and I have learnt that it begins with me and how I see the world and myself. We are humans with flaws, and they make up who we are. However, over the last four weeks, I have reflected on my part with 'my ex guy' and the dating scene.

Hence, what did my behaviour, things I said, didn't say, how I interacted with him and how I represent myself online on the dating sites. Not only with conversations in text and phone but what I write in my profile, too and how it reflects and magnetizes people to me.

And I began to toy with it, see how what I put out reflects and magnetizes back to me. Well, LOL, I can safely say, the results; a kind of experiment for my best outcome in attracting men I want has been exciting and effective: Examples being

1) When I wrote barely anything in my profile, just fundamental information and no "About me", - I attracted men who wanted an fwb thang.

2) When I wrote about myself as the independent woman I am, firey, know what I want etc. - I attracted liars, players, and men who wanted a mother figure and sugar mummy.

But with my evaluations of myself and knowing what I did wrong with 'my ex guy' and I am not talking about, I lost him, lol, because that was not the case. We mind fucked one another; it was not a normal coming together; the whole thing was games. But I do see some other parts of where I went wrong. So this time in my dating profiles, I have stuck with the raw authenticity of what I think—no bullshit fluffy clouds. I am harsh, direct, informative about myself without telling much about myself, and instead of enticing anybody in, it is written to push people away.

The results have been fascinating. The calibre of men is utterly different. There are zero players, sugar mummy wannabes and FWB's. The men want to prove to me they are worth my time now!

They are men without mucky emotional shit following them. They are men who see themselves in the same calibre as my mindset, men who want a woman like me. My photos are all recent from April and May. My profile shows truth and integrity and that I value my time and who I am. It tells a story that I am fully aware of what men want, think, and need and that I am not pandering and only giving myself chances, not them.

Three men have mentioned in their messages that my profile is written so well that no weak men would contact me as their fragility would suffer. Okay, I am not a bitch - maybe a cunt. But only to those who put out bad vibrations to me, or in most cases, try to! I am used to guys talking to me one day, and the next they have gone because my status in holding myself remains solid, and they want someone they can bend and twist and take advantage of. The same goes for 'my ex guy. He believed in his giant ego that he could brilliantly mind fuck and mess with me; he wanted me to be begging and needing for him. No darling. As I said, I learned from the best, and the moment he revealed his true self to me and went against my wishes and disrespected me, he became MY toy and used for only what I wanted - sex. When he discovered that I was a step ahead of him, and he couldn't hold me down in his mind fuckery, he went to where he felt comfortable dealing with his wars he has control over, LMAO.

I am precious about sex because I genuinely fucking love sex; it surges through me, and it is important to me, so if I twirl with a guy who gives me the type of sex I crave and need, I will take his sex. It's almost like I become a siren, or one of satan's whores, my mind changes, and it is ALL about sensations, in extreme hunger and thirst for sexual satisfaction - as if I have been in starvation and sensual gluttony has taken over me. I become different during my sex, I am grossly filthy-minded with no inhibitions, and I will act on it.

So, the men I have attracted are men who know what committing to something and someone means; they have experienced it and understand its value and sacrifices. I am not referring to only relationships but also their careers, the way they live their lives. The way they view the world and themselves within it. Not only this, but it's noticeable that my inbox and most of these men are beautiful too, men who look after themselves. Previously, I had a mixed bag, but now it's apparent from my inbox that I am attracting the types of men who have standards, boundaries, and morals and seek that in a woman. Fuck, they are gorgeous too! Like, ultra sexy! LOL.

However, there is one oddball that has snuck into my zone. I can only imagine this is because inside of my mind are corners of extreme kink and passion, and in my projection out to the world, it is floating there, dropping little teasers to those susceptible to it. And well, it dropped a little spice right on top of a sergeant in the police force.

I had a dream/vision about him last night too, and it was a warning. To not get involved with him or continue speaking with him. It was clear as the blue skies in my front garden. Let me explain why....

This sergeant in the police force is 41 with no children and exceptionally sexy. He is 6'1, he has dark hair, and he is very attractive looking. He looks incredible in his uniform - although I am not one for uniforms, I get wet over a nice suit on a man. So anyway, he contacts me, and I am messaging him and two other guys (who are pretty unique in their ways), and this sergeant speaks about my profile, the way I look, and how he already wants to spoil me with anything and everything I need. Yes, I know - red flag.

We continue our conversation, and when I speak to these men, I am not fluffy and appeasing. I am not putting up with any shit, any shit and they are gone, but I do so in a polite, direct way, marking out that they are not suited to me and so go forth and get out my box, etc. They try to stay, but unless they do it differently, I'm done. The sergeant tells me that he runs a team in the forces, that he had spent 14 years in the army police and now is a sergeant in the regular police. He told me, and his words were, "I am extremely dominant in my work life; it is an act. I have to be this way to do the job, but in my personal life, I need to submit." He keeps apologizing for the things he says, saying he doesn't want to scare me off.....LOL...I tell him I understand what he needs. He gets super excited and says he cannot believe how profound those words meant to him, "I understand what you need." Then, saying people don't understand this side of him, he goes deeper into telling me he finds me very attractive visually and in mindset. He calls me "His queen". LMFAO, I did laugh.

I tell him I understand because I have had plenty and previous experience submitting to extremely dominant educated men. I have also had male submissives and trained both male and female subs previously. So I know what he needs, but that does not mean I will offer what he needs. I, of course, pressed his buttons a few times to entice him further, giving him what I knew would trigger his mind and, in turn, his emotions, and he clung to me so intensely, LOL. He has not experienced the full macabre of submission. By that I mean, when tasks are present etc. He is a newborn in regards to that. Still, he is significantly in tune with himself, and what he knows he needs and craves, and that is the only fundamental thing he needs to be a quality submissive, the ache to serve where it pulls your core apart, like being tortured if he doesn't fulfil this need.

He would need to learn control of that, and well, I am an ideal woman to teach that as I have mastered this myself over the years. I cannot bear a sniffling whiny miserable brat who throws strops. No, he must control such things and be a mirror of my strength and discipline.

Despite my dream/vision last night, I am keen to explore this man. I have thought about and envisioned how he could bring anything of value to me, and I think he may be able to. You see, I will and can still find my man; this sexy sergeant gets off on cuckolding too, and well, if he is my submissive, he will be beside me in my decisions. No arguments. And the type of man I will end up within a loving sense can only be a man who understands life is an experience, and an open mind is imperative as I like to explore what life offers me. I think I'm onto something here. I am going to arrange to meet my sergeant subby, and he best be packing well because he will need to fuck me right and often. Hmm, I've never tied up a man before; it's always been me who is restrained. So I quite like the idea of tying him down and fucking him like he's never been fucked before. Indulging the devil in me.

The problem is, if I want to keep him, I will make him fall in love with me, and I already know from my dream/vision that this man will hold on extremely tight and not want to let go. He is already doing it; it's begun. I can handle this. I'll call him Dibble for diary purposes.

I'll talk about the other two treats (men) in another entry...