no name
2021-05-31 01:26:45 (UTC)

Two warring sides.

There are two warring sides of the argument occurring in my head at this ungodly hour.

While one side is clearly making the best point, everything really just blurs together with all that's going on. Games, music, entertainment in general. Even my eyesight and neck pain is worsening because of my posture and screen time or whatever. Wouldn't it be nice to just, stop. No more. Nothing. Nada. None of it. No more background music to life to suppress thoughts but no more clashing sounds to render me unable to think. Not even loud white noise to put emphasis on the fact that there's no music. Just nothing and the sounds of other people. Oh yeah, and boredom. But who cares about that when it's something I feel that I deserve anyway.

Then there's the other side. The one that doesn't care what I deserve or what I don't. The side that doesn't care about the consequences of my actions and causes me to never learn my lesson when it comes to certain issues of mine. The one that has what l like to think of as bipolar confidence because I'll have this streak of thinking I'm the best and the worst at the same time, then it all disappears and I'm living trash again. The one that wants to listen to music and drowned out thoughts, procrastinate, laugh at stuff, play games, and avoid sleep. And definitely the one that thinks boredom is too unbearable and should, therefore, be avoided at all costs.

What should I choose? I want to go to sleep but there's homework I'm currently doing and making this decision would only determine whether I'm going to sleep like a normal person tonight or not at all. Who am I asking- No, why am I asking. I already said the first option was convincing. The only difficulty I'd find in going through with it is that when I wake up, I'm going to have to deal with people. Not just myself. With other people, I wanted to try to act like a normal person so I could just let my face fall when I'm alone. To draw out energy and keep up some type of impression I create. It'd be a deserving tiresome task and possibly a worthwhile one.

Man, I'm tired. I've been tired since 8pm. Whatever. Back to the problem. If there's no hype music in the background, I'm not sure where I'll draw any energy from. I'm no extrovert. And I really just don't have the energy to back up the lack of skill in socializing I have. A shame. Ah, that's an excuse not a solution. I've got nothing. No inspiration, nothing. Just that momentary confidence that says I'm the best so obviously I'm the best at talking. Who cares about evidence to back that up anyway. I wonder how fast it'll take for me to become toxic, if I'm not already.