Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2021-05-30 23:00:03 (UTC)

🎵When I'm Far Too Gone, Can You Show Me Love?🎶

I don't know if I want to start writing in here again or not. I had some issues with this website that made me not want to. Not sure why I am right now. I know that my very last entry in here was positive. I was excited over receiving Francis Of The Filth by George Miller. I have read it 3 times since last July. While it is not that long of a book (about 250 pages), I can say that I have done that with no other book. It is my favorite book still.

Things are just as hopeless as they ever were. I actually kind of have a friend offline now, but this is new and I know not to get my hopes up. The older couple who have helped me with many things, recently betrayed me quite badly. They said that if I didn't get the vaccine, that they couldn't hang out with me. That they had to protect themselves. As dumb as I think that is, I would respect their opinion if it stopped there and wasn't topped with massive hypocrisy... that I thought I would only see from politicians and/or Mask Karens... You know the ones who get in people's faces to tell them to put a mask on. If you were that concerned with it, you would tell them from far away, in respect to Social Distancing.

Anyways, this couple, they took a plane out-of-state to go on vacation before the vaccine was out. So, that's okay, but hanging out with me isn't? If they were that worried about Covid, wouldn't they not travel?

By the way, I have taken the first dose of the vaccine and will take the second soon. I want to be able to travel. I hate that I am conforming in this sense to something I have been so skeptical about, but I'm trusting in God. Not what goes in the body that harms you, but what comes out, right?

I read my Bible everyday, but I have inspiration from among mortals, as well. However, I feel like I'm being tempted by the devil sometimes. I can't tell if this person is good or evil. He seems so very good and not perfect at all, like the antichrist is supposedly supposed to be. What's wrong with trying to stop using fossil fuels, making reusable rockets and trying to get humans to colonize Mars? But then, there's Neuralink and that shit scares the hell out of me. I'm talking about Elon Musk. His intelligence, work ethics and accomplishments I've mentioned, inspire me so much. He went from this shy, ordinary, awkward nerd to this hugely successful man, seemingly trying to better humanity. If it weren't for Neuralink, I'd have no doubt in him. And he works super, super hard. I've tried to justify Neuralink... it is supposedly to help with certain ailments, but... I really don't like the idea of a chip being put in someone's brain!

I really have absolutely no one, except this one new friend, so I get carried away by my own fantasies/delusions, often. This time, though, it wasn't some crush that I eventually got bored of or found cringey. I was really, really inspired. ☹☹☹

I know to just stick with God and Jesus, but what is the point of being alive on this Earth if no one loves and cares about me? I've tried telling myself that I love and care about myself. And I do. Great... but, I can't marry myself! Even if I legally could, that is beside the point...

Didn't want to date Elon Musk. I know that's highly unrealistic and he's not single, anyways. It was nice, for a moment being inspired by someone alive on this Earth for once, though. I'm sure he'll make history, but whether for good or bad has yet to be seen. I suppose you can say that for anyone famous like that. That darn Neuralink mess. 😞

I don't even care for Tesla either, but it doesn't scare me the way Neuralink does.

Spacex is so freaking cool.

I watched the Star Trek 2009 movie last Sunday. Yeah, that's because I had started admiring Elon Musk so much. I was wanting to watch Star Trek: Into Darkness tonight. That vibe has been killed by my disillusionment with Mr. Spacex. I still might watch it, anyway. Let me delve into a fantasy future I want and not some lunatic's vision with the Neuralink shit!
My husband has been dead for over 2 years now. I truly had and still don't have anyone else. Every time I hear that song, "Hold on for one more day..." negatively I think to myself, 'try over 700 days [2 years].' Or on the bright side (lol), I think of Harold and Kumar singing it. The actor that plays Harold also plays Sulu in the new Star Trek movies. He's so cute.

Speaking of cute, I've had a crush on Roomie (RoomieOfficial) since January. What about Joji? He's not really my type! His humor with the Filthy Frank stuff, helped me through much of last year. I love his music too. And he wrote my very favorite book. But, yeah... He's actually not my type! He's mellow outside of the Filthy Frank persona and I don't usually go for that.

I had a small crush on Ethan Nestor briefly at the end of last year. He can be adorable at times. While I know it wasn't exactly a character, I think I actually liked Unus. Unus Annus also helped me through last year. Memento Mori.

Oddly enough, I'd been watching Roomie for over a year before I started liking him. It's almost like... He was a friend for the longest time. That's what I want... someone who can be my friend, even if there's a risk of getting stuck in The Friend Zone. Or, if I happen to date someone, they need to take things slow because I've gone through grief and hell.

So yeah... Roomie was always there in a sense... on YouTube. I actually binged his videos on weekends. I was watching him a lot last year, but never had a crush on him. Peculiar. He's so my type! Maybe I was "avoiding" that sort of because... maybe he's so much like my husband that... it was very sad on a subconscious level. Still is. Yet... That's why I couldn't stop watching him? That's why he seemed like a "friend" kind of? Because that's what my husband was, only... He was my best friend.

I get so many crushes and I think it's because different people have different qualities of my husband. Let's see... Joji, as Filthy Frank... well, that's a super crazy side to my husband or just... a similar sense of humor. Oh my gosh... there is a song on YouTube called "The Foreskin" by Lil D. It's a really, really old Joji song, like before or around the time he started Filthy Frank. It soo sounds like something my husband would have written! Lol. Ethan Nestor... just has this silliness to him and a sort of hyper energy to him that is like my husband. He's also blunt, but seems like such a sweetheart, at the same time. The reasons I stopped having a crush on him (though, I think I might always have a little crush on him, let's be real!) is because he's very liberal politically, he's an atheist and he's a little bit too young for me (He's 24, I'm 35). I don't dislike him for any of those reasons, but I'd be hesitant to date him because we have such different values. Roomie... I don't even know what to say. I love his overall energy. Very much like my husband and... a little bit like Conan O' Brien, as well. Lol. He got me into music again, which is a big deal. Sometimes you really don't want to hear music when you're grieving. He's positive, cheerful, but with a very sarcastic and sometimes dark sense of humor, as well. He seems like a somewhat secret romantic, but not in a corny way... just like a total sweetheart kind of way. Go watch his videos, they might cheer you up! Also... He sings better than most singers on the radio. He's like pure sunshine. I could be hyping him up in my own mind, I realize, but I don't know him in real life, anyways and probably never will. ☹

You know what's funny? Last April he hearted a comment of mine! At the time, I thought, 'Oh cool,' and that was about it. If that happened now it would be really freaking sweet!

My mind is still all over the place, I still distract myself from my hellish nightmare of a life with crushes. I haven't made much progress, though I do feel like I am moving forward, it's just very, very slow.

This new friend I made was because she was crying and I went up to her and asked if she was okay. That's so out of the norm for me! I am a 100% shy introvert! So is Elon Musk, actually. He was too shy to talk to these people at a job he wanted, so he figured he'd just have to start his own company! Wow!

Maybe he has good intentions for Neuralink, but as cliche as it sounds... The road to hell is paved with good intentions. He may be a bit reckless, careless and mad, but... evil? If I have to question, though... ? Usually I can see through anyone. He is either too complex or too... deceiving. He's a mystery and he's fascinating and... I don't want to have a crush on the devil! Even if Roomie is an asshole in real life (which, I doubt, but who knows???), I think I could guess that he's not evil. Elon Musk? I just don't know. And yes, I have an attraction to him and that scares me! I know it's just a movie, but look at the devil in The Devil's Advocate! I mean, but... that is Al Pacino, though... 😉

Like, even though he becomes a mafia boss, I can't help, but love Michael Corleone in the first Godfather movie. In the second movie, though he's terrifying and if I were Kay, I would have wanted a divorce!

This is all well and fine liking bad guys in movies... especially when they are played by Al Pacino! They are fictional characters. But, do I like one in real life?

Well, if I do, he's only a mere distraction from who I really like, anyways. It's sort of like being with someone, but getting a crush on someone else. Don't worry, I'm not that delusional... it just feels that way. Layers of fantasies in my head, that I'm completely aware of (so as to stay somewhat sane and grounded!), as a way to cope with a reality I really can't. 😢😢😢

I can psycho-analyse myself. I'm self-taught. When you're this alone for this long, you either go completely mad or you become extremely self-aware. I think I'm somewhere in the middle, actually. Like, I feel crazy things (an attraction to Elon Musk, really?!?) and have very strange habits and while, I don't freak out too badly anymore over these things, I also still don't know how to change them.

I'm really, really, really not okay. I have learned to cope with things never being okay and always being sad. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way, though. I feel like I'm in solitary confinement, like in my mind. Of course, I try to keep my thoughts as pleasant as possible, but being this alone for this long has done so much damage to say the least.

I just need love. Everyone does.

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