Tati

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2021-05-30 16:32:58 (UTC)

Does it matter?

It's frustrating, really.
And for the record, no, I didn't exercise today. Didn't have time--excuses--went out for something today.
Back on topic, does it really matter? Should I let myself embrace those emotions. Anger, sadness, irritation, grief, inadequacy, confidence. No matter how pathetic or trivial it is for the rest of my life, to the rest of the world. Or should I continue to tell myself it doesn't matter and, therefore, suppress such feelings forever because who cares? If no one else cares then why shouldn't I let myself feel it? But at the same time, if no one's there, then why should I even do it anyway? With nobody else involved, does it even have any meaning? It's wasting time, but this--thinking and typing out this train of thought--would be rendered just as meaningless. What do I want anyway? Seriously, pick a struggle😒…

My brother just came in for something and left. Came again and left. I forgot I used to share a room. I forgot things used to be even worse than this. Why am I even making this difficult when it could be worse? Too many questions. Some meaningless, some important, and none answers. Why do I even try. It would be better if I couldn't think. So much better.
My head hurts.

I can't remember what I was thinking about. I just can't. Um. Something about learning sign language so I could stop having to talk to people. Something about embarrassment not mattering and it still being a constant limitation in my life. Something about suppressing or expressing emotions. Something about obsessions and wasting time. Does anything matter at this point? No.
Why am I still doing this stuff then? Wait, if I'm still here does that mean that it does matter and I'm just an idiot or something?

I've gotten everywhere and nowhere with this entry. I hate and love this diary. I don't even want to do anything else today everything is so so boring. No, I dont want to play games, or watch tv, or read up on series that I only like for the characters, or listen to music for a prolonged amount of time before even getting bored of that. Why am I like this and why can't someone else be here to dictate my actions for me?

This must be me taking my privileges for granted or whatever. But who's here to stop me. Nobody.


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