If I die today
Physcially my face hurts little. Did a sinus rinse yesterday still on allerga. slept from about 11ish till 9 I decided tog et out of bed I think I went pee at like 8. I really suck at life and co-habiting. I think its gross when the dog (a dog any dog) gets on your blankets and stuff and licks or well is smelly or anyhing I dont like pets on my blankets pillows and robes I think nDea is annoyed with me about that I dam pissed him off last night tryin to get the dog to move. I guess I'm full of quirks n stuff and I dont want to seem ungreatful or like nothings ever good enough. I'm totally creeped out by a lot of things and its not even funny he thinks I'm sooo messy probally thinks Im a slob I suppose maybe I am IDK. I think I have a standard of living thats acceptable but I am struggling to get organized and everything I do everything I touch is a mess just in life nothing to do with him I get it this is what I'm like but IDK what to do. I hope I dont make him feel like crap by rejecting the stuff in the shed or well lets face it I need to stop trying to upgrade or add to his stuff even if its weird or IDK what to do with it. I want to purge eCarri's every little touch outta here so bad thou all her cups and some of these dam utentils in thte kitchen that he says were her choice mostly cheap plastics oh and did mention miinnie mouse pot holders? dont get me started. I dont wanna make him feel bad or unmanly or a failure either but I dont think Im up to his standard of living either what do you do . I have so much in me that doesnt even wanna be mature about this but I must. I can do this right move on ignore the dog and jsut foroget about having a nice blanket and if I dont want dog droppings on something I better put it up but droppings i mean excited bladder and ballz leakage or well maybe the whole licking thing too whatever. I'm just not content with myself and I feel sorta rejected for what I am and on some level I feel I do have a special need or something to be so incapable of coping with things that freak me out and the odd things that upset but IDK what to do I cant get a grip. I want ot love him and I try. I keep trying I wont stop He's a great man but I feel like a big old failure and I worry maybe he feels the same reejection towards me bc my quirks and odd anxieties and complaints and wants and I'm sure its notice worthy when i add to his kitchen supplies . I know hes bugged about the stuff in the shed but IDK what to do Icant mentally handle it I dont think I could eat the food as far as stuff well I fell like a failure I feel stupid and like sh!t still about that whole overpacking situation its embarssing how I feel like a screw up. We are getting rady to go out with his sister and her bf to the flea market then dinner so I gotta start gettin ready . I'm greaful that today is good weather for some of my new clothes. We got new sandals not olny did he find what he needed but I got some nice ones too his treat I appreciate his patience. Theeres a roof over my head and food. I'm not runnin on empty for funds and have somethings to look forward too today.
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