Gorgeous_Nightmare

The World Behind My Wall
2021-05-30 01:30:47 (UTC)

14 Years.

We got over our little tiff thankfully. I think I overreacted a bit when he didn't give me what I needed at the time, but unknown to me he was having a bad night as well. We talked it out the next day and were back to our normal selves. He then called me when he got off worked and asked me to come over this weekend. Part of it feels like it's because he misses me part of me feels like it's because he feels like shit for not supporting me when I needed him. Regardless it will be nice to spend time together. He sounded eager on the phone when asking me, but now doesn't really seem enthused or excited. Idk I'm sure as usual I'm reading into it. I just don't understand why in person I get more affection than when we're not. It's kind of annoying. He used to call me sweetie or sweetheart all throughout the day, but now it seems as if he only does it when he tells me good morning. I need to stop tripping. I need to stop letting my mind revert me to our past and cause me to overthink. I just want to get ahold of it. I think it all boils down to me just wanting to feel important and loved.


In other news today was the anniversary of my sisters' death. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned her on here, but I found her dead in our bathtub 14 years ago. She had a seizure and drowned one night and I found her the next morning. I still suffer from survivor's guilt to this day and I don't think it's something I will ever truly overcome. My room and the bathroom shared a wall so every morning I would hear her when she turned off the water after her showers, but that night she let my niece and I have a sleepover with a friend. all three of us including my nephew were asleep in the living room after staying up until 4 am with my brother and brother-in-law watching movies. That morning I didn't hear the water shut off. I woke up to my brother asking me to go check the bathroom to see if she had left for work because her car was in the driveway and he didn't want to walk in and see her naked in case she had fallen asleep in the bath or something. When I open the door water rushed out and I saw her laying there. I tried to shake her and call her name, but she was cold. Rigor had also already set in. I was 12. That day constantly plays in my head like a movie reel. I remember running across the street to my neighbor's house while my brother called 911 and my BIL got the kids out of the house. We were all waiting while the paramedics did what they could. The last thing I remember was my brother was sitting outside and the only thing I heard him say was "nu uh" in a tone of disbelief. They then came inside and told us they couldn't revive her. I was in shock. I didn't cry. I didn't speak. I didn't even blink. I don't think I cried until they cleared our house as a crime scene and I walked back into the bathroom. There was a hole in the wall where she knocked out tiles to get someone's attention during her seizure. None of us heard her. We were so close and none. of. us. heard. her. It kills me.

I saw my brother today and I think we told each other "I love you" at least 10 times in the span of 5 minutes.
Keep your loved ones close they're gone in the blink of an eye.




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