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2021-05-30 00:52:24 (UTC)

Idk.

I have to do this again tomorrow, don’t I? My back hurts, I feel some type of way about assignments — which aren’t that difficult anyway — that I haven’t finished, I need to brush my teeth and go to sleep. Escaping reality by reading doesn’t mean I escape time as well, unfortunately. I’ll have to wake up and do this again. That’s what normal people do everyday though, right? What- How do they even- No, why? Who in their right mind would willingly repeat this process everyday?

Maybe it’s because I’m lazy, pessimistic, and living messily at the moment but, this is all still tiring. Today was a good day. I don’t feel good right now but I at least know that. But I don’t want to do this again. I also know that tomorrow, there will be no reading to escape because stories that interest me—(I really should’ve become invested in something else, something more productive)— don’t update everyday.
That means I’ll have to work. Most lazy people don’t want to work, so that includes me. It’s funny how I can admit it to myself but don’t want to hear it from someone else. I’ll call myself out on all my flaws and then decide to suddenly be defensive once someone else points them out too because… I actually don’t know why. Probably has something to do with not having thick skin or something. Anyways.

Tomorrow will be a good day but, at the same time, a dreadful day that will have me waking up early and going back to sleep instead of getting ready because, unfortunately, I’m me. Then I’ll wake up by, or after noon, mad at myself for not getting up the first time to just get everything over with. I don’t even remember what happened this morning. Or rather, yesterday morning. Saturday. Maybe today has been a blur. Just like my deteriorating eyesight.

I exercised today. Maybe I’ll do it again tomorrow to maintain a streak like I do on Duolingo. Apparently I’ve been on a streak on that app for about 29 days. That’s almost a month but it feels like I started a week ago. Time truly means nothing.

I don’t like looking at my legs. Even after shaving them. Just looking at where there used to be hair makes me feel the same (disgust? Anger? Irritation? Self-hatred?) feelings I had before the hair was gone. I feel monstrous but at the same time, human. Being human also sounds bad. I wish I had no physical form. To just be here in essence. Not being able to see myself would also be quite nice. Not my hands (curse these fingers, nails do me no good), not my stomach (why the f do I have hair there? Am I an actual anim-), not my legs, not my feet, and definitely not any of the features that define my gender because they don’t even fit on me who looks like this.

That might’ve been a rant.
Whatever.

Now that I think about it, what does it matter that summer break is almost here? If everyday seems dreadful to me then what’s the difference? Less order and structure to my life with the lack of school might make me even worse. I can see my sleep schedule becoming nonexistent already in the distant future. I dunno why I even bother to think about it anymore.
Ah, laziness. That’s why. But that doesn’t match up with what I was thinking the other day- yesterday- no, the day before yesterday which was Friday. I was thinking about discipline. If I had some things would be better. Maybe I’d slip back into that foggy mindset and routine that doesn’t let me create memories or remember them in clarity later. Like all my last year of school.

I’ve always felt as though my persona, my personality, which dictates the way in which I do certain things, is my thoughts. My memories. This train of thought that led me to creating this diary. If I fall into that routinely life again, like last year, maybe these thoughts, this persona, this consciousness, maybe it’d all disappear and I would disappear with it. Into normality. Blending in with everyone else without having to, or being able to, think once about my behavior that is fitting of an average person.

Not to say that everyone else doesn’t have their own lives and inner turmoils to deal with. Of course they have, stuff, or whatever. But I’d rather not even be thinking like this. Questioning and analyzing any and everything I do or someone else does when interacting with me.
Then the question is really, why haven’t I already fallen into some type of normalcy or monotonous routine yet? And to answer that question, laziness. Haven’t thought of it until now but that’s definitely the answer. Maybe it would be possible if I went to sleep right now but I don’t want to get up from my chair and there’s a number of steps I’d have to complete in order to do that.
Brush teeth, change clothes, put stuff where it needs to be, turn off light, get in bed, ignore boredom, fall asleep at some point.

See? Too many steps. At least I don’t have dreams anymore. I bet that’d suck energy out of me too, before I even get the chance to wake up.

Maybe laziness is ruining my life already. Unless this is all normal, in which case I-
I have to commend all the people who are currently successful in life and working towards a brighter future for themselves or the people around them. Because life is pretty sucky and boring, and I’m certain I’m taking it for granted. I’m not sure if that’s me or if it’s me. If thoughts = personality then I really suck.

I hate myself and my laziness. And I hate that I hate the world because I’m lazy and self-sabotaging.
Don’t get me started on selfishness. What does it even mean to be selfish anymore? I’ve probably overused the word to meaninglessness.

Goodnight? Yeah there’s nothing else to do besides work and, well, you know me.


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