LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2021-05-29 14:25:50 (UTC)

first time I've felt this shitty in awhile

May 29, 2021 Saturday 8:26 AM (Hawaii time)

I don't have a lot of alone time, so I can't go into depth, but really all you have to know—is that I'm drained and I feel a little sick. My sister has been bothering me. Caroline almost never bothers me, but I've become increasingly annoyed for a reason I can't quite put my finger on. She keeps trying to give me advice and I hate it. I didn't ask for it. She keeps asking me questions about my future and such, about where I'm gonna live in China, etc. etc. It's not an unreasonable thing to ask, but she questions me more than my parents do (not that they have ever really been the type to be all that interested in my decisions).

And also, I feel, in a placeless way, almost betrayed. These are the kinds of exhausting interview questions I expect from my relatives, not her. I get tired so easily.

And she's been weird and I'm wondering if she's hypomanic. She hasn't been sleeping much.

And yesterday she mentioned everything that happened with Stephanie. And she said that my parents hadn't believed her when they first told them, and that she thinks it's because something similar happened to my mom as a kid. I remembered another friend instantly, and the way we drunk-cried over the feeling of being violated.

But oddly enough, my feeling of violation—while it might come from Stephanie in a certain sense—also comes, with more freshness, from my sister.

I don't think about it a lot when we're talking about it, but after she brought it up, she said, "I *am* sorry, seriously," and all I said was— "yeah." I wanted to let her know it was okay, but I realized in the same instant that it wasn't. And that I was still hurt and angry and we'd never really talked about that. Not that I want to. What am I supposed to say?

It's embarrassing and it ended a relationship with a family friend. I still don't know if that was right or not.

I'm hurt she breached my privacy—not just one time, but many. I'm hurt that she didn't trust me enough to talk about it with me. I'm hurt that she still thinks she needs to take care of me, guide me.

Anyway, I've felt nauseated since that conversation and I don't know how to feel better about it. I don't have much time to myself to process it. I feel this horrible hate and anger when I'm near her. It's hard to act normal, I've never been good at it.

I was hoping this entry would help, but. Words can't really convey how deeply hurt I am by the situation. And how little I've really talked about it, except when I was drunk and depressed. I thought that was enough, a substitute for therapy, but it wasn't. I've processed Stephanie's role in the situation, but not Caroline's.

It hurts and I need space, but it's impossible to get it at this point. I want to be alone.


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