chae

from my heart
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2021-05-25 21:36:00 (UTC)

maybe change is good

10:36 pm

sometimes i feel like i am a prey thats just very easy to get. i noticed that i seem to always be in situations where i end up with people somehow "using" me. at this point i can only blame myself for the situations i am put in.

theres someone i have been talking to online and i havent known him for long. i didnt even reach out. we just happened to be in a call once and he started calling me everyday after that. i felt pretty happy because it was fun at first. we would just play games and talk about our hobbies. there was one time where he shared his favorite songs for 2 hours straight. it was so much fun.

somehow things just escalated and got shitty after that. things got pretty sexual between us. then there was one night where i had a really bad headache. i had the headache all day so i wanted to go to bed early and i did. but he was upset because i went to bed instead of doing sexual things with him. i felt bad.

since then it seems like he only talks to me to do those things. from the very beginning he would say sweet things to me and i wouldnt really reciprocate it back because i dont even know him that well to say something related to what he would say to me. i guess he felt hurt because it felt one-sided. i didnt mean to be that way.

ive been anxious all day because im scared he will call me and ask to do things. i dont want to do it because it makes me feel like i am just being used. he doesnt actually care about me. but stupidly enough im scared to say no to him because i dont want to upset him.

i try to think about the good things. like im still 18 and i have other things in life to do. such as saving up money, eating delicious food and perhaps maybe even traveling around. and it would be a dream to have friends to go out and have fun with. theres a hostess who told me she went out with the coworkers to waffle house after their shift ended and she seemed to say it without much thought. to me, being able to do something like that would be so meaningful to me.

theres so much that i have to experience in life.. theres so much i want to do. the future seems so bright to me lately. i want to surround myself with people who are truly loving and kind towards me. i want something thats equal.. but it seems to me that tonight im only left with a fear of being not good enough if i dont allow him to use me.


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