BeckahBoo

Teen Life
2021-05-24 22:43:17 (UTC)

The more I think, the more confused I get

Yesterday Ella H told me she was still friends with Renee even though the others aren’t. I really didn’t know how this day would go.

So, I got to scl and started P1 which was fine. Me and Tre were throwing paper and anything we found at each other just for fun. (Aaaaaaaaah I’m crushing too hard). We had break time in the middle of first period so me and Ella went to meet with our friends.
Ha lol, I was just like, which ones?
So I said hi to my usual friendship group and then I went off with Ella to meet Renee. I dunno if it’s normal for someone to act THAT NORMAL after just having beef like two days ago. She was having a laugh with us and acting like nothing had happened.

Then we had the rest of P1 and then P2 which was alright as me and Tre kept chucking stuff at each other. I figure that maybe I should chuck him a note with my number on it or saying that I like him if we keep doing it. Maybe on the last day of term or something I’ll chuck him a note last period and then leave like straight away. Then I’ll c if he texts me or not! Aaaaaaaagh! I don’t know how it sounds to u but to me it seems like an amazing plan. I mean, I just thought of it right now; I’ll work on the details with Ella later.

Anyways, back to my ‘drama’.
So at lunch Ruby H, Ella’s sister, was standing near me in the lunch queue in the cantine. While Ella was talking with Renee, I walked over and said that I hope they weren’t in a mood with me as tbh I’m really confused. She was really nice and said that they’re not in a mood and we all have the right to be friends with who we want without having to worry about what the whole group thinks. Renee, Ella, and I sat down at a table and that is where it gets confusing...

Renee was easing us in slowly to believing her by asking how we felt in the group. She said that she noticed that we were being ‘left out’ sometimes. Then she said that every time she brought up the whole friendship group in a convo, Chloe would say to her that me and Ella r not IN the group and that it was only Renee, Chloe, Ruby H, and Ella A. This took us by surprise and I don’t know about Ella but this seemed real sus to me. I feel like Chloe wouldn’t do that to us as I literally walk to scl with her, if she started saying stuff about me and Ella then she wouldn’t have anyone to walk with any more, and it would be really awkward as we live right by each other. Also, what would we say to our parents about why we don’t walk to scl together anymore?
Ella H was really bugged and she was actually mad at Chloe cos she felt betrayed and left out. I’m not sure if it’s true or not, but something didn’t seem right. It just didn’t click, u know? For me, as weird as this may sound, when something is true, it hits me and everything falls into place. Also, I would maybe c it coming. I don’t like starting drama, especially if I don’t even know if there r reasonable motives to start it.

After scl, when I was waiting for Chloe so we could walk home, I feel like she was airing me (which I didn’t judge as I had to hang out with Renee all day). So I just waited until after a few mins, she called me over so we could walk. So I was just like, ok this better not be awkward. In the end, I just decided to be honest about what was happening. I said that I hoped they weren’t in a mood with us as we didn’t want to be in a mood with them. Then I said how Renee denied everything that we had heard. I pointed out that I didn’t want to be two faced but I just wanted them to be aware that I’m not picking any sides and I thought that they might want to know the situation. I told Chloe what Renee had said and of course she denied everything. Tbh I think I’m more on Chloe’s side as I’ve known her for longer and I feel like she wouldn’t do that. But then there’s Renee who was so convincing.

I don’t want to publicly choose a side for the sake of friendship and also I don’t want to have an argument with Ella (which I doubt would happen anyway, but best not risk it) even though we’d end up fine in the end.

Tomorrow I have an inset day so I’ll be able to clear my head and just relax.

Actually, my dad will be in all afternoon so I’ll probs be doing chores instead of relaxing. Uuuuurgh!

Also, my dad won’t let me meet with Rachel to record tomorrow! Whyyyyy! 😤😫
Apparently I haven’t earned it! I’m thinking, well my friends r going to Thorpe park tomorrow and some of them r on report at scl. Some of my friends have violated their parents’ rules and yet they r allowed to meet friends, go out when they feel like it and go places they’re invited to all the time. I mean, I know my parents just want what’s best for me, but come on, how am I not even allowed to go to a friends house for 2 and a half hours just to record some stuff and HANG OUT. I’VE GOT GREAT GRADES AT SCHOOL, I NEVER GET IN TROUBLE, I DO WHAT IM TOLD, I DO THE CHORES, I LOOK AFTER MY LITTLE SISTER, I FOLLOW THEIR RULES AND YET IM NOT ALLOWED TO MY FRIENDS HOUSE. R U FLIPPING KIDDING ME? I MEAN, HOW HAVE I NOT ‘EARNED IT’ WHEN MOST OF MY FRIENDS DONT HAVE TO. AND IM PRETTY DANG SURE THAT I HAVE EARNED IT, IM GOOD AS FLIPPING GOLD. WHY IS LIFE CRUEL TO THE GOOD PEOPLE AND AMAZING TO THOSE WHO DONT EVEN TRY?! IM HAVING A MELTDOWN HERE!!!!!

I wish life was just me crushing on someone, them liking me back, us dating for the long term, us getting married, life being swell (whatever that means), us living a good life with the jobs we love and living a life full of love. I mean, is that too much to ask for?

Yeh it probably is cos it’s the opposite of what life’s really like: crushing on someone, never being sure of they like u or not, getting over them, finding out they like u, life being confusing, breaking the girl code, arguing with friends, hating life, dating the wrong person, meeting Mr Right and going for Mr Wrong, living the rest of ur life really stressfully. U know what I mean?

Actually, u probably don’t, that’s just me. But u know if it were up to me life would be a sinch. But u know, life is supposed to be hard. Isn’t it?


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