If I die today
2021-05-24 05:26:42 (UTC)

life ?in the making..

Coffee is brewing in the press so in a just a minute itll be ready so I can drink coffee and write the way life should be. Today is the begining of life as well me this is what I am its a workday for nDea and I'm completly moved out so I'll be here on the homefront. He works 2days the tuesday is his last day and he has until the 1st where he begins the new fulltime job. so its gonna be a weeird week but I'm into my role and he's the man. We went to bed around 10 and snuggled and stuff so probally closer to 11 I slept I woke up around 5 but rested and well t this poing here I am I didnt want to distrub him so at 6ish I got up and started my coffee. Its 630 now so I think I can press this and get a cup in me. Theres so much to say mostly emotional but lets wipe out the physcial first and see if I get to my jabber. I am constipated .. well just as of yesterday so lets see what this coffee does. Wine was probaly 4cups or so yesterday from a box all day long so started about noon till close to 7. I think the tree in the yard is a maple tree so allergies are killing me. I've been sneezing alot. yeseterday was windy exspecting the same today. My teeth hurt undecivly I think both sides just hurt. The diet is awful. Wine Wendys dinner nuggets n fries. IDK what i'm gonna do but I'll figure it out. Otherwise I guess I can say much I"m looking forward to classical stretch today one way or another since I'll have alone time I will get one in with the space I have. Really need to get myself and outdoor mat but not today. I spent about half of my checking yesterday ordering stuff on amazon I hope I'm not screwing up again. Proablly am I got 2 glasses but they are shaped like cofffe mugs I like the idea of veristily 2 white wine tumbler with lids and I could decide on my waterbootle so I got one of each of teh 2 kinds. Least we will have glasses and IDK thats important to me. so whatever. I need to get spectrum running here I use the house phone to pay my bill. Anyhow about the order then I got ponytails bc I thought I threw all mins away but I"ve founf like 3 or 4 since. SMH I got hangers and the hanger extender things so you can hang closes veritcal. annd finally am getting that champion womens romper it olny had blue in my size but whatever I've been wanting it for a year. Anyhow I'm sure I've forgotten some crap but I need to calm down. I"m in panic mode and yes the keurig went in the dumpster yesterday everything went except what nDea reescued I even tossed the vaccum. I'm kinda sad and I'm eager to replace the keurig but I dont want to f up and have him hate me and quiete frankly maybe i'm greddy and selfish. I'm pretty hurt about a lot. and worried a lot but my lifestyle and his is diffrent and I feeel like a snob. so I need to calm down and really decide whats impoartant and maybe it buckles down to adpating whats essistal for health and long life so maybe like the known toxics that are aviodable I can weed out but I suppose he can choose to keep doing his thing if he wants. I love him and really want him to live the next 90years with me but IDK We're all kinda screwed. plus im at a hypicrictacl point anyway such a wreckless slob i've gotta shape up before I put that on anyone else. I need to check my balance and figure out what I need to budget before spening but I think I can hold off a few things till next month at this point. Its time to slow down and ease in plus not overwhelm him. Maybe here I can make Fridays my shopping day? and just walk to the store on firdays and grab a few items unless they need to be ordered once he is working fulltime. I'm still going crazy about the boxes outside and the fact theres food boxes in the shed (canned , coffee-tea, boxed pastas) I really dont want them now I think thats freakin gross and the shit out front C'mon man water is not to be stored outside. wth? so IDK what God has for me to learn in all this. Maybe its humbling time. It is apprenat this I use the word I ALL the time. Thats something that I noticed. I'm such an ass no wonder I live like this. I"m still ashamed and embarassed and cant believe I couldnt find use for my stuff and well I'm so bitter and hurt that it was rejected that we cant use it and I'm not giving to these crazy 509c3's all willey nilley. Also I cant see giving to people who just destroy and get greedy. I dont even wanna know what happened in the dumpster after I left yesterday I'm sure the scavagers flocked. my love is up so Im gonna go