legacy

If I die today
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2021-05-23 06:48:01 (UTC)

exellent failure

Theres so much to exsplain about what I"m thinking and feeling moving is pretty devasting I cant believe how badly I fucked up and all the while thought that I had done something good. Well its not the first time time I've sent a housefulll of stuff to the dumpster. Whatever I dont know whats wrong with me and why noone understands and I still dont believe in help. Soo everything that I had thought we should take to to the house well nDea thinks we dont have room for it and it should go to storage watf? I was ready to thrwo it in the dumpster but we salvaged some but wth? Ok so this is somewhatselfish but somewhat not I had packed things in tere that I thought WE could use also him thinking of things like the knives Id let hime see the knife if we need it. He was insinstant to keep some food I eat well I guess I fucked that up too even after downsizing to one box of each type of food. Honesltly I'm just going to have to repalce it bc I'm not interested in any food that been in the shed and icing on the cake I dont understand why the hell he keeps leaving stuff outside just assuming noones goin to steal it like the cleaner I brung over last week still nect to the step? Why so freakin gross now theres 3 piles of water outthere for people to see , steal and dogs to pee on I'm not interested in that anymnore either. I'm not sure if I m throwing away my keurig today either . I have to do cleaning I really dont want him there but I think he may be planning on "helping". I dont want that shit. I cant stand using plastics he sent all my paper products to storage and I"m not going to use any ipen toleit paper outta a nasty rotten storage unit. I cant comprend this in my mind but I think its me. I'm always doing ok then looseing everything to the dam trash what is wrong with me? my f'ing canopener in is storage and the one here is manaul wht am i gonna do with that? While traying to find a bandaid since I cut myself on a box I found my vitimaoin/hygenie box that looked like storage to him so I threw that shit away wth? that is not storage. I'm so tired of screwing evertything up and moving like this and I had reall thought I had done a good job packing and got what I thought was a good choice of moveable boxes. I think I threw away my scunchines. IdK why does all my stuff look like storage. I'm just discusitied. I want to respect and love him an di think he's doing to best he knews. I'm just unhappy with myself and the way I function is always unacceptabel to everyone. I think I have a few hundred dollars on hand but even if I did and I hired a mover do you htink its normal for me to bring some things back here and sort thru them before sending away what we decide we dodnt need. to me it looks like a lotta stupid cheap shit for kitchen utlitles here and f'in miniine mouse pot houlders. I dont want eCarri's crap and I dont want plastics. IDK I"m nervous about takin the dog runnin bc literally that dog hasnt had alone time in 24hours and welll I just dont neeed to doe verything with someone I need to be alone too and he's fine just he thinks anytime someone leaves he is too and I guess thats the way he's been trained. IDK I'm not too much upset about the RV as much and just funtioning the things I use are usually for a reason and hopeffully I wasnt going to ask him to get rid of everything but whats wrong with an upgrade like the towels he was sayin oh she left me crap for towels I bout over 2 sets ot towels only 2 he has not yet to touch any of em. Why What am I always doing wrong? I guess I just cant have things. Maybe I' shouldnt be doing this but its too late and well what were my options? Happiness is hard to find but I do need to some good paper stuff and try to figure out how to get some glasses n here and coffee mugs. Even minmilaist style so Ithink tommorw is ordring day online I'm ordering myself stuff and probly need to replinish some vitimians. Physcially I'm just drianed. I took a few sips of a left over wine cooler in the mornin that was dum so I threw it out yesterday. I didnt take in naythng else remarkable. Just I'm tired of being deliosonal seeing a good thing and then everytone is confused like how does this work? EVerything I do and think is wrong. I have no idea whats gonna happen today I'm anxious about going back I dont wanna snub him thou but I just wanna get away and be alone and do it and have it doen but I think I need him to take the bars out the shower nd the curtian rod down. I know he had sugggested using the vaccum from the apartments there.. OMG no thats not happening people need to f off about my vaccum and sersiously why do I want to use their stuff? Its gonna all be vaccumed again anyway so I think its fine. SO IDK I think maybe I really just cant have stuff. I dont know I suck I'm just really embarassed and frustrated


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