i remember when i first looked through the microscope, seeing the gaussian blur filtered through curved glass in an odd metal structure.
spinning the small rotary, my lens of my own eyes reacting to the lens of another - a synchronous dance of adjustment and focusing.
a familiar chemistry on the screen plays - midge and joel maisel,
midge, who expected a call and never asked,
joel, playing catch up and following instructions,
midge, being upset that he never called -
a synchronous dance, around and around in circles.
back in chicago, it's been 20 days.
all the old faces and memories like a battering ram, hurling itself back into my cranium.
paradise park with karolina. 4 years ago, doing the exact same shit,
wondering if the nights i suddenly have all this energy was a circadian routine,
an anniversary of self destruction and emotional numbing,
of dopamine flushes and a plastered smile and glazed eyes,
utilizing all of my muscles to stand in a mcdonalds, proving to my boyfriend i love him,
how many thoughts did i have yesterday?
how many thoughts?