my life is a mess that i can't escape
2021-05-18 20:47:21 (UTC)

both mentally and physically tired

I went out with my mother after breakfast. We went to the technical service for the settings of my granmda's phone. Then, We went to the library. I had bought a book a long time ago, but I couldn't give it back until now. The place of the library was changed, so we went to the new building. There was a petshop opposite the library. My mom went there and asked about budgies. I asked her why she did this. She wanted to buy a budgie for my grandmother because she thought that my grandma, who lives alone, can spend her days better with a "friend". Of course, we didn't buy, and we weren't sure about my my grandma's reaction. I offered my mom to buy a budgie, she didn't allow me. When I wasn't born, my brother used to have a budgie, but I'm not able to look after for a pet.
Not only about this topic, but also in almost every topics I can see that my brother had a better time than mine. I can realize the difference between our genders day by day. For example I can't do most of the things that he was able to do when he was in my age because of my gender.

After coming home, we ate lunch and went to my grandmother. Iı taught her how to use a smartphone. I hope she can ue it well. Actually, I'll teach her lots of things...
I showed her the dress I'm planning to wear in my cousin's engagement party. To be honest, it is an old dress because I don't want to go shopping for a stupid wedding in this pandemic. I don't want to spend money. I know my mom buys all of my needs, but I hate having new things. Nobody should spend money for me.
My grandmother said that I deserve better dresses, so I have to buy a new one. I didn't agree her opinion, and I shared this with her. Then, I argued with my mom just because I care my health. I'm telling this because Iı wanted to hit my head to the wall because of tootache last summer. I wanted to go to a dentist, but they said that it will be too expensive and risky in pandemic. I had to get the treatment 6 months later, and I was going to lose my tooth. So, Their attitude about pandemic is gonna kill me. Sometimes pandemics can be too important, but sometimes we can ignore it?
(by the way, I'm going out rarely) I was too triggered, and I wished to have coronavirus. Maybe they can understand what I want to mean.If I had coronavirus, my stupid cousin can't understand the importance of situation but it would be worked. Anyway, of course I want everybody's health but it is impossible because of the weak precautions of my family.

I shared all of my complicated feelings with my closest girlfriend. But she said something that I'm caring about the situation too much, and as a girl, I have to buy a new dress. She recommended me some, but they were really short. I'm not a conservative girl, but I don't like wearing too short dresses especially when I'm together with my family. We've known each other for 5 years with her and I told her that I can't wear that dress. She said that I'm a too shy girl. Anybody doesn't understand me.

I also sent a message to the friends from voluntary club, but nobody cared them. That group makes me tired, but I don't want to leave there. Then, I talked with my brother after dinner. He was looking fine, but sometimes I feel myself stupid. I'm not sure, maybe I wrote its reason before. I'd like to tell more, but I'm too sleepy now.

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