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2021-05-16 21:07:05 (UTC)

Attachment for the first time

so i've been thinking about this a lot and i believe that that was purely attachment and care and respect and NOTHING else. I want to stay connected with him but i am not a home wrecker. so the good in me and ofcourse my ego tells me to refrain. he is married, has kids and i shouldnt text. I kow i respect him a lot because of his work, his authoritativeness at work, his proactive nature, him not just talking words but also proving, him wanting me to succeed, him doing everything he can to make me believe in myself. i dont think i can find a person as good as him however, him sometimes being condescending, manipulative have hurt me little in the past but i guess i just thought that thats part of being a boss, a leader of a team.

back in Goa, when he hurt his finger bone, i was worried (which i didnt think i would so much). i was very much worried about him and because i couldnt think straight (intoxication) i just tried to find any med aid that i possibly could, just tried to put his finger together as much i could. but THAT incident really made me realize that i VERY MUCH care about him. Him screaming and shouting at work and fewer times insulting me have very much disappointed and shocked me, but for some reason i always find myself to not be mad at him. i always excuse myself by telling myself that that's part of being a leader or maybe he's had a rough day, or maybe i am incompetent and am not able to provide him with the info he's looking for. But regardless, he has always proven to be by my side, wanting to make sure that i succeed in my role. i think what he was trying to do was he didnt want me to struggle, or didnt want me to undergo any sort of pressure, he definitely thought i was soft and not very competitive and that i had little potential (i believe so not quite sure though) which eventually lead me to explore more work and look beyond the company (now ex-company).

i personally never have fallen in love or i've never felt ATTACHED to someone or CARED for someone from the bottom of my heart tbh. With all the people i've had in life, i've always felt the OBLIGATION to care for them, or respect them or give them. but with him it's always been genuine care and respect. i dont understand why life would put me in such a situation.

i have always been the kind of person for who getting over is never really a task. i would barely give shits if someone wants to leave, but with this person its different. very different. it bothers me when he doesnt care enough to actually talk ever since i've left. and i completely understand if he doesnt want to, because hes an ex colleague, maybe he always considered me as only a colleague and nothing more than that. another thought that has crossed my mind and i HOPE this isnt true, but i believe the virtual farewell that was organized for me was to let everyone know that hes good of a boss, a manager, a leader and he knew that i respected him and he wanted to put it out there considering everybody was leaving the team. Though i do think he was genuinely hurt when i left. he definitely liked me. but why would he not care to contact me anymore? i am not his colleague, we still can be connected or be friends, right?

what can i do to get over him? should i get a boyfriend? i think i should. he has a family, loads of work for him to actually not be bothered with my texts so hes sorted. while for me, not a day goes by here when i do not think about him. i just pity myself right now, and i never do. it's just idk i need to go out make friends, have a social life maybe and then i guess i will be able to think about focusing on current work as well as be distracted by the thought of him.

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