Do Not Disturb

2021-05-15 20:32:17 (UTC)

No Gold Star ☹

So, we have a group chat at our job im pretty sure everyone does wherever you work at. Anyways, I come in and clean up every single day before we open and we take pictures and send it to the group chat only and when we do that we get gold stars. My manager gave the other manager and member a gold star except me and I even sent my picture up in the group chat and she saw it and everything.

I think she was being petty and I don't know why. She always looking at me up and down like she has a problem with me or something and she did that today to. I don't know what,when, or why but it needs to be stopped of whatever she was thinking. And I could've sworn at one point she called me slow or something under her breath because I couldn't remember where the ticket I wrote down the car with that goes with their order because that's what we also do here.

I told my mother about it and she thinks I'm making a big deal out of it not the gold star thing because that's just childish and maybe it is but it's my diary.

I'm talking about how the way she was looking at me up and down saying that I care way to much of what other people say to me kind of thing. I wish I didn't care about what other people say to me. I wish I didn't give no fucks. I need to learn to give no fucks.

I wish I was like my brothers who wasn't so emotional and didn't have any emotions at all because apparently its a bad thing.

And people wonder why I don't open myself up to anyone anymore.

I couldn't even scream today in front of my own mother because I was embarrassed because I have to many bottled up emotions inside.

Why is it so hard for me to scream? Was it because I was in the car with her? But when I got home and under my covers and all after I took a bath I screamed under my covers. I didn't want anyone to think that something was wrong.

2: 35 AM - And I'm up like I don't have to be up at work at 9 in the morning but its like I'm never on time anyways. But at least I got my alarm set and everything. As always.

Q said he didn't want a relationship after he told me that he thought about wanting to get back together with me. Which is fine or whatever I guess because I'm not really somewhat ready to be in a relationship or found the " right one".

JT keeps saying that he loves me but I told him that I'm not ready for a relationship atm which he doesn't seem to understand that I just don't wanna get hurt again because I know I will. But he's single and that day he asked that girl he @ tagged on Facebook about a twerking video he said she didn't send it because they don't know each other but I say otherwise. Bs.

Guess who also decided to text me saying he forgot his password dre.The fwb from back in high school dre. The one who's always and still be an asshole dre. He texted me saying he was bored but honestly I forgot about him because he had no pic on his profile and I was friends with this Jamaican guy that I talked to and I thought maybe that would be him because his name is also like that.

But then the jamaican guy was with different Facebook name so I was lik... whoops. When he said we use to make out in high school. He felt hurt but I didn't care. He said he wanted to see me since he's in town and will be leaving at the end of the month and yes he's in the military but with me and dre our relationship is... complicated. I don't think I even call it a relationship. We were fwb before.

Private Practice is getting really good. Still watching Grey's Anatomy won't forget about that show.

I told a guy he was cute on snap. He asked for a picture and he said I'm good no thanks. Like... ouch!!! Am I even that ugly? I'm not. So,I just flooded myself with pictures of myself on snap and he saw. I was gonna unfriend him but I'm not gonna even let it or him bother or get to me because that's how I am. I will not be giving a fuck.

This cycle really making my mood swing looking really ugly right now and it's only been day 2. I was cramping really bad last night didn't have no pads no anything so the old fashion way. Girls know. I woke up this morning and went to family dollar bought pads,pills for cramps,and the necessary things.

Anyways,I just been rambling on and on throughout the rest of this entry now. I'm gonna go to sleep.

- A

Want some cocktail tips? Try some drinks recipes over here