LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2021-05-15 14:25:29 (UTC)

itchy heart

"好吗, 好啦, 好吧, OK OK OK" by Lexie Liu [someone on tik tok broke down the varying usages of the three mandarin "ok" forms used in the song; in English, it sounds like "hao ma hao la hao ba" and yeah, they're all different emotional modulations of the same words, and it was just... so cool and interesting that it doesn't translate to English so easily!!!]

[I've also been really obsessed with the ENA remix by Cótiles—on Youtube only—and I kept playing for Maria. She said, "And you say you don't have ADHD."]

May 15, 2021 Saturday 2:25 PM

I think I'm kind of a slave to my whims, not gonna lie.

Second of all: I read in a "friend-crush" article that sometimes the feeling of infatuation comes from seeing a quality you desire be possessed by someone else. And then I read today on a reddit post about "instant chemistry" with another person, that sometimes that sort of instant infatuation can be a result of low self-esteem. Someone else was like, "I don't think we can really say whether it is a self-esteem," so I guess just know there was so discourse on it. The point is not whether I'm subscribing to the idea—although maybe I am—I guess it just made me reflect.

And I have decided: I do need to reflect. I said as much to Maria while I was washing my face in the bathroom. She said, "Because you're in front of the mirror?" and I laughed for like a minute. It was so fucking stupid but I was caffeinated as hell and also it caught me off guard.

But no, this concerns pathology. Sense of self. Self-esteem. Autoestima.

And all the weird shit flying around my head right now. All the stuff happening.

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I got the job I interviewed for last week and I have until Monday to decide whether I will move to Beijing for a year. Beijing! A mega city halfway across the world! A polluted surveillance state! A place with millennia of history and also a language I don't speak! A job where I teach small children during the day and hopefully wander around at night! What the fuck is happening?

Do I want to do this because I *want* to *do* it? Or do I just want to do something?

It almost doesn't matter whether I am able to decode my motivations for taking/rejecting this offer (I'm pretty sure I will be taking it, but doesn't mean I'm not fucking terrified).

Who do I think I am? That I think I can do it? In my brain, I imagine a different Veronica, one that smiles and makes friends; okay, so I've already got that part sort of down—I can do that; but my memory ignores the part where, afterwards, I feel exhausted and emotionally emaciated from the experience. The way everything feels like a scrape against raw skin.

And then I think of me doing exceptional work, forgetting the way I cry and suffer whenever I misstep just a little. Mistakes are inevitable; I don't accept them. I don't accept myself.

I have to poop but I will hold off. My friend is expecting me to call her but I don't think I can put of this line of thought. It's been brewing for days. But I also won't be able to investigate it in full because I don't have the time.

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The friend that is expecting a call is my friend-crush. Idk if I gave her a name. I'll call her Ash. She's so fucking cool. Idk why she wants to hang out with me but whatever. I'm going to be so nervous and anxious after the call; that's what happens to me. The anxiety stretches before and after.

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DH also messaged me earlier this week (after a month LOL) and invited me to hang out. I was very confused? Like wtf are his intentions. But I accepted it anyways because I suck.

It was actually really fucking fun. And I'm mad. I could've bailed easily after an hour and a half or something, but we ended up hanging out for like 3-4 hours and now I kind of have a crush, but I can't tell if it's actually a crush or if I just admire him. This is another thing I need to reflect upon.

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that I'm not in a place to reflect right now. I really have to poop and I'm way too caffeinated.

(I think DH believes I'm addicted to caffeine—I sort of am, but I'm generally good about limiting myself to 1 mug a day. I only drank 1 today, but I also didn't eat so it's THRIVING in me)

I couldn't play piano for a full day after hanging out with DH because I watched him play and it was so nice. So nice that if started playing myself, I couldn't keep my attention on my own hands. Felt that swirling mixture of shame and desperation. It's not an innocent sort of admiration—it's finding a better version of myself in another person.

Not that we're exactly alike. But we have a lot of overlapping interests and it feels like he's better than me in some ways. A lot of ways. It shouldn't matter, but it does. It's not his problem— really has nothing to do with him. He's just the most recent trigger. I wish my interactions with people were more pure.

I want nothing more than to spend more time with him—more, more, more!—maybe I do have an addictive personality? Well. In any case, it's not possible. And this feeling will go away, especially if he maintains his horrible reply rate lol.

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I got my second vaccine!

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Okay I need to go. My heart is hurting. My teeth are itching. I need to eat a banana or something. Take a shower. Buck up, buckaroo. I've been trying to write, at least.

I want to leave myself behind. Maybe that's why— sometimes my heart pulls me somewhere and I have to follow it into my most relevant obsession.

Bye!


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