Nick's Journal
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2021-05-06 23:38:51 (UTC)

Buying Condoms

in an effort to be a better person I've taken to learning in my free time. I'm learning Spanish. sorry. yo aprendo espanol! I'm also taking online course. I took one about happiness. I think I'm happier because of it. at the very least it got me into watching friends (I'm now on season 2 and ross and Rachel are adorable, also I have huge crush on Courtney cox). lately I am taking an intro to psych course. right now I'm on developmental psychology. that shit is bananas. babies are off the chain. they are far smarter than we imagined. I always thought they were fucking stupid. nope.

I don't believe that people are born evil. I don't know if they are born good either. I think that they are born opportunistic. and usually opportunism meshes well with the less desirable traits of mankind. well, let me take that back. I do think that there are evil people, whether or not they were born that way or are fundamentally evil I don't know. there are psychopaths that lack empathy or sympathy. who view people only as a means to an end. that's evil in a sense. but are they amoral or immoral? there are sociopaths, who just think that the rules of society do not apply to them. I think they are almost more immoral than a psychopath, there is the supposition that they know what is wrong.

anyhow, on to the real topic of the day. now the next part is best read in matt foley's voice (Chris Farley's snl character). I am 39 years old, I am divorced, and I'm buying condoms for the first time in 15 years. I told myself I would buy them online, plan ahead. nope. now I'm not saying that there is a consummation imminent. I'm just saying that, for a third date I was invited to a lady's parent's lake house when said parents would be out of town. okay writing that sentence makes me feel like I'm dating a 20 year old who still lives at home with her parents. she's over 30!!! so calm down.

anyhow, this has led me to the conclusion that it may be expedient for me to procure some condoms. so there I am in aisle 7 perusing the condoms. Jesus Christ. not only are they a lot of different brands and so, I feel like the type is saying something about your character. like if you have flavoured condoms you're very definitely saying something. ribbed for her pleasure? what? so you need the help? the ones that um, make you less sensitive?

so there I am wondering if it would be appropriate if I tried some of them on. but then I thought that, what with COVID and all I probably shouldn't do that. then I started getting self conscious as I had been standing there for a long time and I was pretty sure the one female employee was eyeing me. do people steal condoms? do I look like someone who would steal condoms?

so I couldn't decide so I got a couple of different ones. which, by the time I made my way to the checkout counter made me realise that my broad selection is also saying something about me. to make it less conspicuous I got a diet Dr Pepper. that didn't seem like enough to obscure the primary purchase but, as I looked around at the over abundance of plastic toys, I couldn't bring myself to buy anything else.

I went to the cashier, (please god let this person be blind). the lady looked down at my proposed purchases, looked up at me, stared straight into my soul, then rung me up.

so if you haven't noticed. it's time. I mean it's more than time. I haven't had sex in over two years. now there's a catch 22. my friend was like, "dude don't get all hung up about relationships, just go on tinder and hook up." of course, I told her, this isn't what I want to do because I don't want to hook up with someone who wants to just hook up. other than an STD I am deathly afraid of some emotional blackmail. now I'm not saying I need to build a relationship and we need to see the future in each other's eyes but I just need to have a relatively intuitive idea as to whether or not I'm going to have to throw hands a couple of days after a hook-up.

and I'm willing to have it go naturally. actually that makes me think of a line that the guys always said in the bachelorette (not that I watch that show mind you). "I'm just going to let it happen naturally, I'm not going to force anything." which sounds really swell and all until you realise that the guy is basically saying that he's not going to sexually assault the woman. so yeah, i'm all ready to let it go however it may.

let's just say the plane is on the runway, gassed up, ready for take-off. I just need a pilot to hop on. or something like that...or I'm an eggplant, I just need my peach? hm. I don't know what i