Lumina ❤️
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2021-04-28 19:48:41 (UTC)

hero, prisoner or wanderer

i think my most happiest moments are alway when i make other people happy.. the other day cleri was having a tough time and we talked like we always do since back in the days.. no matter how much time has passed.. 13 years? we talk maybe once every few months but it feels just like the good old days between us.. when she told me that her anxiety went away because of me or when lumi told me that i made her panic attack go away.. or when emi tells me she wouldnt know what to do without me..
i feel like the most complete version of myself that i can help people and i am happy.. so happy to even make that kind of impact on someone..
out of everyone they could have counted on they picked me and i feel so special.

and i wish that sometimes thats all i needed but
sometimes i feel selfish especially these days when im just a prisoner in my own mind.. i wish someone would come out of nowhere
and take care of me like how i try to go out of my way for everyone else.. is that considered selfish..? i hate being on my own..
it makes me think of the worst things always.. sometimes i feel sad that the people i want here cant be here.. but i know its not their fault..
if they could be they would be here in an instant and i need to hold on to that more then any other negative thoughts.. i know im not alone..

maybe it would be easier if i didnt care for anyone at all and didnt care for myself each then no one wins or loses.. getting attached to
people hurts when u know the only person in control is u yet u have literally nothing under control.. i wish i could just go from one person
to another person drifting with no emotions like many of these people that use everyone.. but i dont think i have it in me to hurt anyone
even if other people do it so easily.. and i know il never be able to do that.. i always have to be the last one standing.. always..

ive always had to deal with everything on my own so when i see someone in pain i never want them to go through what i had to alone
i wish someone was there for me.. and i still do.. and i shud be able to be okay on my own right?.. i was always alone back then so
why do i suddently feel like i need someone now..

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